Lee's Mandy

VNV Nation Concert & Hypno & Tickling

2011-12-17T20:30:00.000-05:00

Is it lame for me to consistently begin a blog with "Wow, what a weekend!"? I hope not, but even if so, wow, what a weekend! Miss Lee and I took another whirlwind roadtrip that involved a stop in CT to pick up our friend Morgan, a VNV Nation concert in NYC (with Morgan's significant other, David, along with a couple other friends. Then off to our hotel in Princeton where we spent two nights, and a house party put on by the Philly Hypnosis Group.

I had a rough drive to CT - I was in such a dazed, zombie-like state since I had had no sleep since Wednesday, when I found out I would be laid off effective May 1. By the time we reached Morgan's, Miss Lee kindly sent me to the back seat to sleep, which is exactly what I did until we got to the city and parked the car. We proceeded to walk around for a couple of hours until we were meeting the others for dinner. We went in some really cool little stores and I wished I had planned for Christmas shopping!

Fast forward: dinner, concert, (About the band: VNV Nation is mostly trance music, heavy on the beat. Some of their songs were pretty catchy, and a few of them were not my style, but all of them involved flashy lights and hypnotic visuals, and that's all it took for me to be under for much of the concert. We chilled at a diner afterward, and then the four of us headed to our hotel in Princeton. I don't think anyone was awake for long after we got to our room. I was careful and stayed on my side of the bed. :)

Saturday was lovely - we slept in, walked over to a little mall, got a bite, and then Miss Lee and I hung out by the pool in the afternoon. She read and swam, and I fell asleep on a lounge chair before I could even get my clothes off. >.< It was so nice to relax, though. We napped again in the room before the four of us started getting ready for the hypno house party. I wore my awesome new Hello Kitty party dress. I got tons of compliments! Maybe more adults appreciate HK than I realized. =^.^=

We mingled, had some yummy food, I made a mean mojito (by following her direct instructions), and mingled some more. It's always fun and interesting to talk about hypnosis with new people. And this was a whole new crowd. Such a good time! Though this was a play party, I wasn't 100% sure if we would play or not... I go without expecting it, and if it happens, I'm always tickled pink (wa wa waaaa). Our friend Morgan is a rope enthusiast (or can I just say fetishist? hehehe) and she always has gorgeous colored rope with her. The three of us went to the basement, which was a comfortable, dimly lit den-like room. We cozied up on a couch and this is where my memory starts to get fuzzy. At first I remember being self-conscious because it seemed like everyone else in the room was watching us (I don't know if they actually were), and Miss Lee started tickling me, and Morgan was doing things with rope, and then they started doing a rope/tickle/trance sort of thing, and Miss Lee was knocking me out, bringing me back, down, up, down, up, and at the same time M was doing all sorts of crazy, intricate knots and ties on my wrists and ankles and pulling and moving in such a hypnotic way. I would fight sleep while she was tickling me silly, because I have this thing about being tickled into a trance - it's almost like it's forced upon me. It feels unnatural to give in and let go in that way. Yet it happens just the same. This went on for what seemed like either moments, or hours.

By the time that was over, I was high, loopy, and fractionated. All good things to be. :) I think we went to the hottub pretty much right away. It was outside, freezing, and surrounded by a big, beautiful deck. The air was icy but the water was fabulous. The lovely hostess gave us robes to use along with our towels. We just sunk into the water. I can only sit in hot water for a few minutes at a time, so I spent some of the time sitting on the edge until I was cold again. Some of this is still fuzzy (which is a great reason to blog about it before I forget what I do remember), but Miss Lee started playing with triggers in the water. I was having a difficult time moving around due to being so fractionated and overloaded with endorphins that when she started tickling me in the water, Morgan gave me "water wings" (which consisted of her holding my arms back and laying across her lap), and I felt a strong loss of control of what my body was doing. I wanted to sit, but I was stuck, and then all of me that was in the water just floated to the surface. My owner, being the sadist that she is, cruelly tickled spots that I hate (all while hypnotically turning my volume down so I didn't disturb any neighbors) like my very lower belly - one fingernail along that bikini line, omgwtfbbq, and pressing her thumbs rapidly and repeatedly into my inner thigh crease - she flicks that tendon down there and it makes me want to cut my legs off. I was surprised I didn't unintentionally drown all three of us as a result.

I vaguely remember getting out of the hottub and going inside, where we changed into dry clothes - I brought jammies and put them on - and went back downstairs. We found a comfy chair where Miss Lee got comfy, and I sat opposite her on the ottoman and started giving her a foot massage. We attracted a couple of people who sweetly thought it was a service being provided that anyone could get in line for. They were super nice though, so although my massages are for One only, we did discuss techniques and other things, and then the other submissive gave his Mistress a foot massage as well. Miss Lee even demonstrated her techniques on me, and I am not accustomed to massages - so it felt especially good to me. We started playing with triggers again, and I was sort of laying squished between her and the arm of the chair. She would trigger, tickle, mimic my laugh (hee hee hee NEGATIVE!) and I would slowly try to catch her fingers. So, so slowly. My reflexes were definitely not catlike. They were turtle-like at best. I vividly remember the sensations, as she wasn't torturing, just gently stroking, and going in and out of trance. It was rather euphoric.

We caught wind of there being fire play setup downstairs, so we went down there to check it out. Someone was curious and wanted to try, but was nervous and hoped to see it done on someone else first. So guess who offered who as a demoee? And guess who didn't object? ;) We've done fire play before, but it was with the violet wand. This was different. And it was someone else operating, not Miss Lee, so naturally I was a little nervous. She assured me she would hold my hands, so I modestly took my top off (without showing anything!) and laid down on the massage table. I was gripping her hands and keeping my face as close to her as I could, and then the warm sensations came. It was lovely. He used some flash cotton, which was new to me, and overall it was a lovely experience. Miss Lee has a trigger which she likes to use in some situations, which ensures that the only voice I can hear is hers, which comes in very useful for concentration and/or just blissing out and being able to concentrate on the sensations, which comes in very handy at times like this one.

By that point, I was completely blissed out, and we headed back to our hotel not too long after. The one negative of the weekend: our room's heater was broken, and stuck on! I was fussing that it was too hot in the room, and Miss Lee put me to bed. But then I remember waking up hearing David on the phone telling the front desk that our heater wouldn't shut off. I never fully woke up, but I felt completely miserable (we were all roasting), and I wanted to sit up and do something about it, but I didn't seem capable. My owner lovingly covered me in a cool, damp towel, moving it from place to place. I think I fell asleep some time later. Eventually the heater shut off. The front desk told us we were screwed until maintenance got there in the morning, but by then we had checked out. The gentleman at the desk when we checked out was very kind and comped our room for that night. I never fully woke up on my own, I only remember feeling light tickles and struggling to both open my eyes and to make the tickling stop. Eventually I managed to open my eyes. ;)

We made our way back to the party house to socialize for a bit before leaving. On the drive back, Morgan read The Velveteen Rabbit aloud. I cried. It just so happens that I travel with my small bunny companion of 28 years. I pulled him out of my backpack while she read. One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from that book:
“‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you…’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt…It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ” -Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

How can I say thank you?

2011-12-12T19:55:00.000-05:00

Oh what a week! First, please forgive me for not posting since, wow, June. I have had some great things happen since then, and I guess I've been too lazy and preoccupied to post about them. Rest assured that my birthday @ Paddles and Camp Mindfuck were both fantastic weekends. :-)

Today is day seven with no power. Miss Lee and her housemate have a generator, and she kept me with her all. week. long. While I certainly appreciate the comforts of my own home, bed, and routine, I still question whether or not I was dreaming all week. Where else could I want to be? She is one who values her alone time, her own routine, and not really dealing with people while she gets the things she needs to done. So that she kept me with her for so many nights, even when there were two other places that offered to let both dogs and myself stay, was sort of mind-blowing for me. I don't get it, and it doesn't matter. We both worked separately from her couch, cozy with blankets and a little heat in the living room, my mac hooked up to the TV so we could watch movies.

We were both in very happy moods... we had enjoyed a wonderful Halloween weekend prior with our friend Morgan. I was not suffering from subdrop after our weekend needleplay and much tickling, and a good amount of stingy impact play at the Halloween party we attended Friday night. We were both kind of giggly and silly. We would tease each other, and she'd start tickling me, gently and sweetly - and I didn't really fight back, either. I may have instigated her a little bit by poking at her, but I don't really remember. ;) It was just sweet and fun and cute and everything I love. Knowing she wasn't tolerating having me around, but wanted me there, I can't even describe my elation. I did what I could to be helpful - dishes, keeping things picked up and tidy (though it was challenging since we were all sort of living in the living room, so there were plugs and extension cords everywhere).

We adopted some tropical fish who needed a new home; they were freezing in their current powerless home. Their mom gave them to Miss Lee, who added them to her own tropical aquarium, and the two small fish families quickly became one. It was a lot of fun to watch. That was the first task I assisted her with as her submissive. When I visited her for the first time, and she collared me, the first task we did together was to clean this giant 125gallon fish tank. So keeping up with it is something that holds a special place in my heart.

We did quite a bit of hypnosis. She has a rather unique relationship with my subconscious. I feel pretty out of the loop when it comes to the two of them, so during a self-trance I installed a recorder to tell me what they talk about. So far it hasn't recorded anything. And I'm pretty sure they've talked since then. >_> Hypnosis and tickling are quite the combination. ^_^

Halloween weekend: I spent the weekend with her, as our friend Morgan (@ZanyMo on Fetlife) came to visit us. We went to a Fetish Play Party downtown Boston, and had a blast. They both did mean and nasty things to me, even though I went as Ziva from NCIS. You can't physically harm an armed federal agent! Oh wait... you can. I didn't get any photos, sadly, and we ended up staying in on the snowy Saturday after, but I plan to dress in my Ziva garb and get some pics soon. Saturday we stayed in and played with needles. This was Morgan's first trip with needles, and I'll say it was very bizarre and sort of a mindfuck to listen to Miss Lee describe in detail each thing she was doing, and why. It made the anticipation of the pain even worse. When I was completely spent, they covered my cold naked body with the sheet I was laying on. I even got a foot rub. After laying there for a bit, while they sat on the couch nearby, Miss Lee stood up and said "and now comes the tickling." I hoped she was kidding, because needle play takes a lot out of you (or me, at any rate). She wasn't kidding, and they tortured the hell out of me for I'm not sure how long. I don't remember fighting too hard though, I was pretty wiped.

Later that night was when the power went out. Morgan was kind enough to finish after-caring me while Miss Lee helped her housemate set up the generator, after it became apparent that the power was not coming on any time soon. It was a pretty crazy night! My weener dogs were home safe with my roommate and her boyfriend, and I picked them up the next evening and brought them back to Miss Lee's. We worked on sewing, and just hung out. Morgan had to leave, and the rest of the week was pretty much the same - working remotely during the day, fun lunch breaks, us being silly, laughing together over nothing, "cooking" meals slowly in the microwave (let me say, I have never had more delicious chicken, potatoes, and veggies prepared in a microwave), sewing, playing, walking weener dogs, and snuggling up in bed.

It's possible that I jumped around a little with this entry. I apologize - I'm pretty tired, and have so much to do to get ready for our CRUISE WHICH SAILS IN SIX MOAR DAYS! Now I'm off to do some transcription, and maybe watch a movie before I fall asleep. :) Thanks for reading!

FROSTy Tickling: Hello Canada!

2011-06-09T00:18:00.000-04:00

The Drive

We hit the road around 6:30pm for Toronto, from New Hampshire. It was going to be a long night of driving. We took Miss Lee's car, which is a standard, so I wasn't able to help drive. We got a flat tire on the New York thru-way, in the dark, and she was almost done changing it when a state trooper showed up, looking completely perplexed that a woman was changing a tire. He "helped" by holding up his maglight, which was bigger and brighter than our small maglight.

For much of the drive, she was randomly tickling me. She laughed and said that by the time we got there, I would have been tickled more than anyone at the gathering just from the car ride alone. I don't doubt it, either! We got to Toronto just before 4am, and didn't stay up long before we both passed out, and got to sleep in the next morning. We went with everyone to brunch, and then headed to the venue for the party.

The Party

We were among the first to arrive to the venue, and I immediately deposited all of our free auction tickets into my own box. (FROST holds a silent auction where you can sign up to be "sold" as a 'lee. People get 5 free tickets, with the option to purchase more, and put tickets in the box(es) of the 'lee(s) of their choice, in hopes of winning a negotiated session with that person. See if you can guess who
signed me up for that). We were sitting around chatting with folks, and before long Miss Lee decided it was time to get the party started, and began with just a little bit of tickling as an icebreaker. Since I can't hold still, she demoed "pause," and eventually made our way (while I protested) to the suspended bondage ring in the center of the room. Using hypnotic suggestion, she commanded my arms to raise up and grip the ring. I resisted successfully. She put me deeply under, and planted the suggestion as a trigger instead. When I awoke, I still hesitated, but did reach for the ring. This is where she proceeded to let me dance around her to avoid her fingers, laughing at me, before pausing me in the center and tickling me absolutely silly. I felt like such a spectacle, but it did get others in the spirit, and before long I could hear laughter coming from around us.

We went to check out the upstairs loft, which was really cool. This was an industrial loft space that someone had turned into a living area, and separate party area. We got comfy on the most padded spanking bench I've ever seen. I massaged her back and we visited with new people. We got a couple of requests for more hypnosis demos, so we moved to the couch, and she showed our new friends some of the triggers and techniques she uses on me. I think she started tickling me while I was under, but I can't be sure. She definitely started tickling me when I woke up, and it grew from light and playful to pretty torturous, and she alternated between using "pause" and "bind" to make things easier for herself. (Bind is when she can take any body part, place it somewhere, say "bind," and that body part stays in place. It's much less restrictive than pause, but it doesn't help me a whole lot!) This was one of my favorite positions nonetheless, because I was snuggled up against her and it was very cozy, even if she was pretty sadistic. ;)

We spent a good while upstairs, moving back downstairs, and the tickling never seemed to end! She put me under a few more times; she really meshed tickling and hypnosis on a whole new level, it seemed. Some of our friends commented on how much easier it
looked to just pause or bind someone hypnotically instead of going through the trouble of bondage. More freedom to change positions in seconds instead of having to undo ties or cuffs, never having to worry about circulation or discomfort, etc. If you want to try the trigger on yourself (or on your submissive/play partner), you can download a free recording that plants and tests the trigger, on Miss Lee's website. And yes, that's her voice. ;) And keeping with the topic, you can also download Become More Ticklish. ;)

Induction that plants the trigger.
Audio allowing you to test the "stop in place" trigger.

We started to get pretty tired, so we had a bite to eat, some coffee, and took a shift babysitting the adorable toddler of our wonderful
hostess. We came back, and I was still pretty tired, but Miss Lee continued using the triggers at random, and tickling. Our dear friend Lamashtu won me in the silent auction, and though we never did a "formal session," she sat in front of me and played along with Miss
Lee. They were both cruel! Who knew my sweet Laura could be so evil. This went on for awhile, both before and after Laura joined us. My face hurt from a smile being plastered across it, my abs ached from laughing so hard for so long, and my mind was fractionated from all of the up and down, in and out of trance. She ended our night with one more song and dance with the suspended bondage ring, saying she would end the night the same way she started it, and tickled me silly(er) while I hung from it, exhausted. My entire body had been through the ringer, and I was ready for bed. And that's exactly what we both did.

Touring Toronto

We slept in again on Sunday, and had a very late brunch downtown with our friends. We tooled around the city, got to see the place where the FROST folks meet up for their munches, and I bought a set of very high thread count sheets for a very low price. :P We got quite a bit of exercise.

The Evening After

We were all sort of hanging out, I did some work that I had to turn in, until I was summoned over to play a card game, which we played until Josh had to run home to pick up some things. Miss Lee pointed to the spot in front of her on the futon, so I followed her hand, perching in front of her. I was feeling a little better about it all, especially after having fun with our game (and using the "NO!" card. ;) I tried to have the expression of a hardass, but within seconds she broke that away, first pausing me, then attacking me, moving all over and hitting the worst areas. Between my giggles, maniacal laughter, screeching, and angry growls, she laughed along with me, right in my face. She moved me around, though I was mostly unable to move myself. I ended up in all sorts of crazy positions, my laughter turning into whimpering and back into hysteria. She tried out a small vibrator of Mike's, which we never use, but when he was buzzing it into the futon mattress, it managed to tickle my ass so badly that I would pop up and screech. She found that quite amusing, of course, so she threw me across her lap, and buzzed it against my belly ring, and in my belly button, moved around and finally jammed it into my inner thigh crease, all the while I was bucking as hard as I could, throwing both of us in the air, she laughing almost as hard as I was. Well, not really. But she did find it funny.

Eventually we were booted from the futon so that Mike could tie Maggie to it, so we moved to our air mattress. I wrapped myself around her, in her lap, which I like to call "forced aftercare." Unfortunately tonight, she decided it would include more tickling, though it wasn't as violent and torturous as before. It was more loving and sweet. Through my laughter, I heard Mike invite Lee to come and help him, and I
wrapped myself around her even tighter, like a cobra. She laughed and stopped tickling, and hugged me tight, and told him so, and then told me it was okay. :)

I managed to move myself so that I was laying across her lap, which was a mistake, because she though she stopped targeting my back, ass, and my tailbone, and started prickling her little nails elsewhere, including my lower belly, where she knows I hate it. I managed to "force" more aftercare, and finally she gave me my promised neckbite, and rolled me over to my side of the bed. Just before I was fully asleep, she poked and scritched a few spots on my side, and said quietly right in my ear, "You smile when you're tickled because you love it."

New release: Soles & Toes, and detailed recap of a night of intense play

2011-01-30T23:10:00.015-05:00

What a busy month January turned out to be! I'd like to kick off February by sharing with you a really hot new audio that Miss Lee released. Foot lovers everywhere should be tranced by her voice in this audio, appropriately titled "Soles and Toes."

When we talked about these photos, Lee wondered if you would be easily able to imagine yourself in my place when you listened to the Soles & Toes audio...

So many interesting things have been going on lately. We have been having quite a few intense playtimes, as well as in-depth correction and praise. You can read about the last one here, on another blog I keep. Last night we attended a play party at a friend's house. There were way more people than I anticipated, and I felt some anxiety as soon as we walked in the door. I feared that all eyes were on me, judging me. Miss Lee's first instruction was to pass around the appetizer we brought, and my heart jumped in my throat, and I couldn't do it. I was frozen in time. I was so completely anxiety ridden that I physically could not obey her. I took an anxiety pill, but before it could kick in, she was very angry with me. I went out there and passed out the food, but didn't do a very good job at all. In fact, I probably did a pretty bad job. I would say that she scolded me afterward, but that's too light for what really happened. I felt about two inches tall. When she was done, she led me upstairs, to the third floor, where some mattresses were set up (and, at the time, occupied) for play. She sat down in a chair, and told me to kneel down in front of her. She did this energy transfer, sucking out my negative energy, and injecting positive into me.

Her anger disappeared as soon as we left the kitchen, but I didn't know it at the time. Although, I can tell in her eyes when she's angry and when she isn't. Most others can't, but I know her eyes. I know them deeply. She tranced me and gave me a wonderful trigger to feed myself positivity. She held my head in her lap for what seemed like a long time, and I knew I was right where I needed to be. People were coming and going, and I barely noticed. She gripped me by the hair on the back of my head, just the way I love, and I knew for certain that she wasn't angry. She had the blissful look of sadism on her beautiful, angelic face. She began choking me, strangling me, and I even passed out. When I came to, she continued stabbing many of my pressure points with her fingers, all while holding me by the hair. She started slapping me hard across the face, and tears from the pain shot out of my eyes helplessly. I clinched them shut, and she commanded softly that I look her in the eye. She continued to slap me hard, on teach side of my face, and then would gently tickle which was unbearable with the blood so close to my skin, and my nerves on fire.

She shoved me backward, so that I was at an angle, looking up at her. She slapped me hard in my chest, above my breasts, and below my collarbone. The sting was excruciating, and I cried out in pain. She hit me again and again on both sides, still holding me by the hair, and alternating hands. Tears spilled down my cheeks, which, funnily enough, tickled my now hypersensitive face. This went on until she ordered me to turn around, and face away from her. She dug her fingers into my ribs, tickling up and down, and I giggled and whimpered from the tickling, and cried from the pain still radiating through my chest and face. Suddenly one of her hands gripped my shoulder, and she began forcefully punching me all over my back. I made small sounds with each punch, and it felt so good to me. She would pause for a bit and tickle my spine, then keep going. She pressed the pressure points on the sides of my thighs, and then performed this horrible twisting pinch on both of my forearms. I bit my lip hard to keep from screaming.

She turned me around again, and she had my head cradled in her lap sideways. She stabbed and poked around my chest and neck, searching for those pleasurable pressure points that we learned about at APEX a few weeks ago. I would wince and whimper each time she poked, and when she hit a pressure point, I was blissful. I could hear her giggle each time she found a good point. When one of the beds opened up, she led me over to it, and forced me face down. I had on not much of a top, which was held together with ribbons, and a fetishy mini-skirt. She straddled my waist, and assaulted my hypersensitive ass, and I screamed into the blankets before dissolving in laughter, and she used her hypno trigger of "bind" which locked my limbs in place, but didn't freeze me. I was free to thrash about, and that's exactly what I did. With one wrong movement, she thrust her hands into the crease of my inner thighs while simultaneously tickling my poor bottom, and I nearly bucked her off of me. I wanted to remain as quiet as possible, so as not to disturb the other people playing quietly in the room. But this was simply too much for me. She spent some time tickling down my legs, and when I managed to flip over at some point, she flipped my skirt up, and pulled my panties just far down enough to torment that sensitive underbelly. I was softly wailing, laughing, squealing, begging. She went from there to hips, from hips to pockets, from pockets back to squeezing the sweet spot underneath the ass, with her thumb locked on my inner thigh crease, and again I nearly hurled her into the air, laughing maniacally. She was on a rampage and there was no stopping it. This went on and on, and I was bound by my own mental bondage that she installed herself. By the time the tickling was over, I was a puddle. I don't remember much more of the night except for snuggling on the sofa downstairs until we left, and of crying sadly when we got to her house, where I had to drive the whole half-mile down the street at 3am desperate to know when I would see her. She lovingly held me and assured me that I could come over and work later that day.

We both needed sleep desperately, she had a headache from an adrenaline crash, and I was an emotional wreck from an endorphin crash (also known as subdrop). I went home gripping my arm, which is a trigger that causes me to think about Hello Kitty which leads to positive thinking. I went to sleep as soon as I got home, and I fell into my bed squeezing that spot on my arm, and funnily enough, woke up the same way about five hours later. I had such subdrop this morning that I self-medicated (and took my real meds) by cleaning and organizing things in my house. I was elated when she had me pick her up so we could run to a couple of stores together, and went back to her house so that I could continue the project we've been working on in her bathroom. I sanded and sanded the door, which put layers of dust that took several times of using the shop vac, followed by wet rags, and I finally stripped down to a bra and panties because my clothes were just puffing out more dust. I finally got the bathroom clean again, and went downstairs, put my clean clothes on, and collapsed onto the couch. She brought me a cookie and some hot tea, and then slid under my head, snuggling me for a bit before she had to leave for the evening. I know she was expecting an utter meltdown, but only a few tears escaped. She led me to the bathroom so she could inspect my work, with which she was satisfied. :) I went home with some form of nostalgia. I was so happy that we spent another amazing weekend together, sad that it was ending and that our lives are about to get really crazy with NEST planning, and just wishing I could stay by her side for all time.

LeeAllure.com is up! Lee & Mandy go to APEX!

2011-01-16T21:38:00.019-05:00

Bruised, beaten, fractionated, and exhausted, I got home tonight just in time to see the Pats lose :( and crawl into bed. Miss Lee was asked to come and present a class/demo on hypnosis by Albany Power Exchange, and she took me with her. We had such a great time, and made some awesome new friends. We even learned a few things, too ;)

First things first: LeeAllure's Hypnotic Files is up and running! There are many awesome free files available, including becoming your best self, pain management, increased sexual satisfaction, and the Snappy Response, which includes a fun little video Miss Lee made of me, without me really knowing what was going on. ;) I often have people say to me, after seeing our videos, how they'd love to be that ticklish. Well, now you can have at it! Become more ticklish! She is also offering DarkSide audio files for sale, which are addictive, erotic, intense files. Enjoy!

That's our big news as of late, so I'm excited to finally be able to share that with you all. Please feel free to continue reading if you'd like to know how I came to be so fractionated, bruised, disheveled, loopy, and all those other wonderful things that come with a playful night. Miss Lee taught the class, and we both wish we could have had more time, but there is just so much to talk about! We'll be making a video demonstrating some of the things we didn't get a chance to do last night. Miss Lee did some hypnosis with some of the folks at the party, and by then I was so fractionated that I was going under to her voice while she hypnotized someone else. It was crazy. I thought that was it for the night once we got into bed. I'm always teasing her about "Lazy Dom Syndrome," which is when your dominant or top starts using hypnosis to do the hard work in play, like for bondage, or gagging. Don't want to wrestle your submissive to the floor before you tickle her to tears? No worries! "Amanda, pause!" Well, last night, she took a break from that and broke me instead. It was a total take-down, and so much fun! We were all over the place, and I had a blast trying to save myself. What I didn't realize (it was dark) was that she was actually wearing the blindfold she sleeps in. She fucked me up. I can't remember the last time I had such a brutal tickling, particularly in some of my worst and most hated areas. While she certainly didn't neglect the rest of my skin, for her finale she alternated between stinging my inner thighs with hard slaps, and viciously tickling that crease (the one my friend Shira refers to as "the barbie line"). Nobody, not even she, has tortured such a bad spot for such a long time. When it was all over, I was sobbing and disillusioned, and she slapped me across the face a few times (yum), and snuggled me until I stopped. Below: photo of abused thigh.

We both slept like logs, and she woke me up (can you guess by what means?) in the morning for breakfast. Our hosts were wonderful, had a beautiful home, an adorable dog, and kept us well fed. One of our new friends is a corrections officer, and I was asking him for tips on self-defense and take-down (not that I'd use it). He showed us a few fun things, including a variety of fun pressure points that seem to bruise nicely, and then some of us went down to the basement so we had the space and floormats. Wrestling turned into sharing and demonstrating toys, and before I knew it, I had a bruised, stinging ass. We got to see some really cool knives, and I begged Miss Lee to cut me and make me bleed. She obliged me and let me bleed a little. Oh, and I got one of my favorite things: a sharp neckbite.

Ass - bruises and knife cuts

Other side of ass - more marks from other toys

Outer thigh - bruises from repeated knocks on pressure point

One of our new friends had this awesome candle that melts into lotion, and she gave me a really great massage with it (I was nearly passed out face down on a comfy spanking bench). I was complete jello when we headed back upstairs for showers, packing, and a bite of lunch before we had to hit the road. It was such a great time, and we're both looking forward to visiting our new friends at APEX again soon. And if you're reading, know that you all have an open invite to visit us in the Boston area! Thanks to everyone who came to the demo and party, and for welcoming us so warmly. Can't wait to see you soon!

Thanks again to all of you who read this, and remember to visit Leeallure.com! :D

Birthday spankings, needles, and tickles - the return to Paddles!

2010-10-12T11:59:00.005-04:00

Another year, come and gone. I never thought I'd be where I am at 28. That's not to say it's better or worse, just different. That said, I have no regrets, and am pretty happy with the place I'm in, and the work I'm accomplishing in myself. Miss Lee and I had a great talk about where I am in my progress, so that I can reevaluate my therapy goals, which I did today. But enough about the serious stuff. It's the party you want to read about, right? ;)

We hit the road for NYC on Friday afternoon, after a stressful day of getting everything done that needed to be done before I could leave. It was wonderful to leave all of that behind me, and off we went for a weekend of fun and friends. We had a fantastic dinner at a restaurant near Paddles with a diverse group of our friends. They came from PA, NJ, and even NH to be there, and I was really honored. I received some awesome Hello Kitty presents, too! (Thank you, everyone!) The restaurant brought me a bunch of balloons, and I was surprised at the several requests for balloons I got on the walk back to the club. No way!

We got to the club, and we were met with more amazing friends, and Miss Lee helped me apply my Hello Kitty pasties. They were badass. We broke into the cake, which was awesome, and Hello Kitty, of course. ;) When we were done with cake, we headed to the same table as last year to do the needles. I was really nervous, because I knew this year we would complete it. I had two dear friends holding my hands, but after what seemed like only a few minutes, the only things I was aware of were Miss Lee, the sensations I was feeling, and her voice when she would occasionally speak. She began sticking the needles through me, and I was just breathing, and whimpering. It felt amazing. Then she introduced some bigger needles, which were so incredibly painful. I was weeping quietly and begging her to stop, which, of course, she did not.

She pressed her body against mine, and I winced from this new pain. I remember distinctly her whispering in my ear in a hypnotic tone, "Feel the pain of me pressing up against you. The needles are digging into your skin, and you love it because you're a little pain slut." It was intoxicating. She then proceeded to stick me with more needles, and I could barely feel them. Then, however, she informed me that she needed to use some more of the big ones. I freaked out, bawling, begging her not to. When she put in the last needle, and tied the ribbons, she used alcohol swabs to cause more stinging pain. I was high as a kite, and it was such a glorious feeling. When all was complete, with assistance I sat up, bleary-eyed and barely there. She sat next to me on the bondage table, and began pressing into each needle, causing me to feel each sting all over again. She started mixing the pressing with light tickling, which was a very conflicting feeling. She tickled all over my back and sides where the needles were. I was gasping in pain, and giggling all at the same time.

We realized it was already 2am, and we had to head out. My birthday spankings had to wait until the next day (and they did, right after Miss Lee beat me silly with a solid wood bowling pin). I slept hard, and we had lunch with our friends on Saturday before I headed to Philly for the night. The rest of the weekend flew by entirely too fast. I got to see my Daddy on Saturday night :) and I spent the night at my Kitty's house. It was too short. I drove back to northern Jersey on Sunday afternoon after church. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end. It was a fantastic weekend, and to everyone who made it possible, especially my beloved Owner, I say thank you. :)

Wax play turned tickle hell.

2010-08-10T23:31:00.006-04:00

Supplies required:
Paraffin wax
Paraffin spa in which to heat up the wax to an uncomfortable temperature
Leather paddle to beat sensitive, tender skin after the wax is peeled off
Vinyl shower curtain to catch all of the wax
Soup ladle (yes) to dole out the hot wax

I love needleplay, because tickling doesn't go along with it. I like knowing that my hardcore subspace won't be fucked with by tickling. So when Miss Lee and I set out over the weekend to try something new (well, new for me), I prepared myself for a lot of surface pain that would come with hot wax on my skin. I stripped down, bare, and laid on my belly on the shower curtain. Being naked is such a vulnerable experience for me. She hovered above me for a few minutes, causing me to twitch in anticipation. Just pour it on so I know what it's going to feel like! She drizzled the first ladle full, and it felt like sinking into a hottub that was just a few degrees too hot. She poured it out all over my skin, from my back down to my ankles, and it dripped everywhere in between. With each additional layer, I just kept giggling. I can't explain why.

When the time came for her to peel off the first layer, I thrashed around like a crazygirl, it was an intense tickling feeling that was the last thing I would have been prepared for. Those of you who know me know that the one hard limit Miss Lee allows me is no tickling on my derriere. So when she began peeling that wax that was layered over my butt, I thought I would lose my mind. Because Miss Lee is a sadist, she laughed right along with me. It's just the worst feeling to me.

After she peeled it off, and I could breathe again, she began beating me all over, and I started riding the endorphins, and bordered on entering a nice subspace. She started pouring the hot wax on again, and it just flooded over my already bright pink skin, and it took me somewhere. It dribbled down my sides, and I was still squealing and laughing and thrashing, but for the most part, it just felt hot and heavy. She began beating me through the wax layer, and it was a very thuddy feeling, which is one I love.

When she peeled off the second layer, I was hysterical, especially when she began slowly peeling it off of my ass. I spazzed out to such an extent that she used one of my hypno triggers, "pause." She froze me in place and all I could do was laugh maniacally, wishing for death. I could only laugh for moments before my hysterical laughter turned into desperate sobbing. I longed for that subspace back, and the impossible sensation to dissipate. When the layer was finally gone, and she released me from the pause position, my face collapsed on the floor in relief, and I felt the thuddy sting of the paddle along my body. My endorphins found me again, and I basked in the pain and sadism. It was beautiful.

I managed to rise to all fours, and nuzzled my head against her leg. She petted my head lovingly, and began picking the tiny pieces of wax that were stuck all over me. I stood up, and contorted my body into all sorts of crazy positions to make sure I got all of it, and eventually hauled myself upstairs to shower. That was one long shower... the evening ended with a lovely dinner, just the two of us. What an amazing experience. I do love those endorphins.

Just a couple of announcements, we have a few things upcoming:
Our cruise is just over a month away, and we'll be having a small play party in the hotel where we're staying the 2 nights before the cruise. So we welcome you to come and hang out, play if you want to, with us on September 17 in Miami. Check out the event and RSVP on Fetlife. We'd love to meet you in Miami! The next event is my 2nd annual birthday party at PaddlesNYC on October 8 (my actual birthday). More info on that is to come. We're hoping to get a good crowd!

I think that's all for tonight. Have to get up early tomorrow for the gym. We've been working out like crazy in preparation for our cruise. It's all very exciting, and we both definitely need the vacation. Cheers, and thanks so much for reading. :)

Lee & Mandy's New Happenings!

2010-05-19T14:57:00.017-04:00

It's been awhile since I've posted any updates, and I apologize for that. (Remember, though, you can read my TMF Blog which is a series of quicker, more frequent entries, and I've also started posting sporadic journal entries on Fetlife.)

I saw a psychiatrist, was given a diagnosis (which didn't surprise my family or close friends), and new medication. There was a week long interruption in it, because after two weeks, I had a physical reaction to it that means you're supposed to go off of it right away. However, after seeking a second opinion, I found out it could be rechallenged (restarted) and the chances of success when doing so are high. Now I am at one week after restarting and no reaction so far.

I am also in therapy with a BDSM & kink-friendly therapist. (If you're looking for kink-friendly therapists, attorneys, accountants, you can view listings on the NCSF website. I've only had three sessions so far, but it's making a huge difference, along with what I hope is the right medication. I know it's not just me, because people have noticed, especially at NEST. My Daddy even told me I was glowing. ツ I felt wonderful, too, and even suffered my first post-gathering drop, and even though I was sad, I was so happy to finally be feeling that. I wrote a nice, sappy NEST thread of my favorite moments and shout-outs, along with everyone else. T'was epic.

The week after NEST I suffered through work, then headed down south to visit my mom for Mother's Day. Each year I take her to Hilton Head for a few days, and we had a fantastic time there. If you know me on Facebook, I have a photo album there. If you don't, here is a teaser ;)

When I came home, I was so happy to be home, though I could feel the stress of my life so thickly. With the encouragement of my mom and my Owner, I am going to declutter my life. I need to minimize some things and make life more smooth. I have ramped up my search for a job closer to home so that I can eliminate the 2+ hours I spend driving each day to and from work. I just need more time at home - I have so many books I need to read (note: I said need, not want), writing I'd like to do, and things to work through between therapy sessions. I need to make my life less busy, though it will be difficult to cut social activities. I don't think I have that full of a social calendar, but it seems that I end up with things scheduled in clusters, with dry periods in between. I'd like to even that out somewhat.

We had an awesome weekend, and I managed to stay pretty even-keeled for most of it. We went to Richard Anthony's hypnosis comedy show, and I got on stage and undoubtedly made a fool of myself (I don't remember much of the evening), and the next night we went to Hypno Club, where Richard was our guest speaker. Our pal Buddy tranced me to sleep by scratching/rubbing my head, and I slept through most of the evening, and Miss Lee woke me up when she came back in the room to discover me sitting up with my hands tangled in my hair. It took awhile to brush all of the knots out, but it must've felt amazing if it put me in a trance-induced sleep! ;) Thanks Buddy! <3

In other news, Miss Lee shot a video of my BFF Jo (CrystalLight on the TMF & Fetlife) and me at NEST, starring Jo as the 'ler, and myself as the angry, indignant 'lee. ;) It should be coming out soon, so stay tuned to the clip section of the TMF for the posted preview, as well as on Miss Lee's clips4sale store. Miss Lee also opened up her own corset shop, CorsetsAdore! I'm trying to decide which one to buy first. You can check that out here.

I'll try to post updates more often, especially with all of the wonderful things I will be learning about myself and how I relate to others and how it all fits with our D/s relationship. Thank you so much for reading!

PS. If you have a BDSM or fetish related blog, I would love to become a follower! We can grow our number of readers! =D

Hypnosis, parties, and the Easter Bunny

2010-04-04T21:57:00.004-04:00

I'm not even sure where to begin, as usual. We have had a super busy couple of weeks. Last weekend, we had a handful of close friends come and visit from out of town, and they stayed at my place (I love having the space for them now!) We hosted a hypnosis/tickling munch the same weekend, which was a ton of fun. Lee recently planted a trigger in me during trance that causes me to facepalm anytime someone says the word. Everybody had entirely too much fun taking advantage of that, especially at the play party. Lee put me under and made it so that I would release after 15 seconds (if someone else said it) and that once a person said it, they couldn't do it again for 5-10 minutes. That cut down on some of the abuse. I still think the crowd enjoyed it far too much though! All in all, it was a super fun weekend with lots of play (seriously, I can't even tell you the last time I was tickled so freaking much, and it was mostly Lee!). My body was so sore by Sunday night that I could barely move.

I did have somewhat of a scare on Sunday night, however. I always get very anxious on Sunday nights before work on Monday, and last Sunday was no exception. I asked Miss Lee to trance me to sleep (which usually works great, but not always - she had done it Saturday night and it was totally perfect). I wasn't able to relax and get all the way under into trance, and after she left my room, I began to panic because I couldn't find my dog. I burst into tears, and a full-fledged panic attack, searching and calling frantically for my dog. I thought she was right outside the door and was ignoring my pleas to find my dog, but she had left for home already. Thankfully my wonderful friends were there, brought my confused pup to me, helped me fall asleep, and then called Lee to tell her what happened.

We also had a photo shoot during the week. I have to say, I love the previews. I actually captured these from the photographer's website where he uploaded the photos, and then photoshopped them myself. He'll be sending us a CD in the near future with all of our chosen shots. Mike was a pleasure to work with and we both hope to shoot with him again soon. You can see some of the preview pics on my Fetlife profile.

This was a productive week. However, none of the productivity involved my Hello Kitty quilt that I need to finish sewing. Even starting sewing it would be a step in the right direction. It's all cut out and ready to be pinned. I'm a little nervous about going this alone, but I'm going to go slowly and carefully and hope for the best. And if it ends up having a few imperfections, well, then I won't judge it because I've got a few of my own. :P

T minus seventeen days until my therapy appointment. I'm really looking forward to it. My mom has helped me compile a great deal of family history that I hope can only help. I just want to figure out what is wrong with me, and fix it. I found my church home here, finally, today. I absolutely cannot wait to get plugged in. It feels so right. It was great to have one of my best friends there with me (you all know him as HDS, but he's DSL really). He was here for the weekend and we had a fabulous time traipsing around the city of Boston on Saturday, then church and Easter lunch with Jeff today. Great and busy week, looking forward to a slew of upcoming events! (You can see what we're attending by visiting my Fetlife profile, see link above).

Now, all I need is a good "deep sleep." ツ

Adventurous Hypnosis Night at the Society!

2010-03-14T22:05:00.005-04:00

I had an incredibly interesting evening last night. Miss Lee and I picked up our friend Buddy (DrSlashBlight on Fetlife) and we all headed down to The Society in Hartford, CT, which is an awesome playspace where we've done a demo/class before. Our friend Mephki and her mentor, Solamnus, did a demo/presentation on Hypnosis. I've never heard Sol speak until last night, and considering how ADD I am, that he managed to have me enamored for most of the evening was pretty impressive.

To give a bit of background, I started a new medication called Klonopin, which is to help with my anxiety while I'm off of my Zoloft. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of April, so this should get me through until then. It's not something I want or plan to be on long-term, but just long enough to get the right long-term combination from my new doctor. Granted, I just started these a few days ago, so I'm still learning to adjust my dose so that it's right for me, and I still have some sharp ups and downs. There has been immensely strong pressure on me at work lately, one incident being that all of my requested vacation time was almost denied due to potential audits during those months. Those struggles have played a huge part in the anxiety I've been dealing with. Anyway, in an attempt to keep this part to a minimum, I'll just say that I'm full of tension, still fighting off the remnants of a nasty three-week cold, and tinkering with a new medication.

That leads me to Miss Lee and me sitting in the car, in the rain, doing some hypnosis while we waited for Buddy to get out of class. It was very relaxing, the sound of the rain, her soothing voice. I woke up, however, with tears all over my face. She had asked me to go to a happy place, which for me, is Hilton Head, SC. It's where I take my mom each year for Mother's Day, and this year I almost didn't get the time off to do that. So a dam must've broken while I was under, and when she brought me out, I remembered none of it (which is usually the case).

Well, we got to the venue, and settled in to watch the demo. I was a little squirmy toward the end, and Miss Lee paused me so that I'd be perfectly still. Neither pause or silence are things I like while being tickled, but that's another story. A story for later in this post, actually. >:}

After the demo, those of us who wanted to see or participate in a group trance piled into the "Quiet Room" to witness the pro at work. Sol asked those not being hypnotized (Miss Lee fell into this category) to move to one side of the room, and my chest tightened up while people I'd never met moved in close around me. She kept reassuring me from across the room that I'd be fine, and I suppose deep down I knew I would be, but I simply did not want to be in such close quarters with all of these strangers without her right there next to me. I also tend to wake from trance in a panic if I don't open my eyes and see her face. I'll admit that I fought the relaxation techniques Sol used. Eventually my eyelids got so heavy that I think I felt them lock shut, but both Miss Lee and Sol said that my eyes were fluttering and all they could see where the whites of my eyes. This is normal for many people during hypnosis. I was searching for the correct term, and came across an interesting video.

Now, mind you, I don't remember any of this, but I will recant for you what they told me happened. While the rest of the room went into trance pretty easily, while I was sitting with my eyes fluttering and moving, Sol had been talking about clouds, and then said the clouds turned into paint, and they were dripping. Drip, drip, drip, drip, DROP! And he snapped his fingers in my face when he said drop, and I dropped forward, deeply entranced. When I woke, she was behind me with her hand on my back. It was a very intense experience.

We then did some more hypnosis with another talented hypno-friend of ours, Enchanter (his name on Fetlife). He put me under using a pretty, sparkly crystal, which was a first for me. But hey, I like shiny things. ;) I think he, along with Lee at some point, implanted some suggestions, but I haven't quite figured out what they are yet. I do know when I woke up, she started tickling me all over, and it was so unbearable, and she kept me paused, and then would silence and un-silence me, over and over. It was just excruciating, and I was left with a lot of reaction needing to come out, even after she stopped tickling. That might not be the best explanation, but it's the best I can do, considering I don't know what happens while I'm under.

We then had a very crazy ride home with buckets of rain, flooded roads, car troubles, a tow truck with a very amusing driver, and not getting home into bed until around 7am with the time change. But we weathered the storm (wakka wakka!) and all in all, had a great evening.

I also wanted to throw in there, for those of you who have been following the crazy roller coaster that is my psychiatric health, that as soon as I got home, I came to a few realizations that are not huge, are not life-changing, but are definitely reassuring. My faith in her, in myself, and in what we have is completely renewed.

Be well, friends. Thank you for reading.

Hypnosis Club: All sorts of new things!

2010-02-23T00:10:00.006-05:00

Class last night was super interesting! We learned all sorts of new tricks and techniques. We studied the Elman induction, and practiced it after the group demonstration and discussion. We listened to some ideas given by other members of the group, and one of them talked about how it's important to use your subject's dominant way of learning (kinesthetic, visual, aural (or oral, I suppose, ha!). His submissive is only receptive to touch, and so he did a massage induction, and another Dominant said he began using touch with his submissive as well during hypnosis, and it worked amazingly well. I am pretty responsive to Miss Lee's suggestions (so I hear), but both of our interests were piqued at this. So, naturally, we tried it. Generally speaking, I don't remember anything that happens when I go under. But I do distinctly remember feeling so incredibly safe, owned, and completely and totally belonging to her, when I felt her hands on my head, in my hair, and on my back. It took the experience to a whole new level. One of the other (non)fun parts of the evening was her discovery of how to use "bind!" as a command, causing me to faceplant onto the nearest surface, my wrists and ankles zeroing in on each other as if they were magnets, right behind my back (pun intended). Oh, and faceplant, that's another story. I'll say this, and only this:

*facepalm*
*f$ck*
*pls release?*
*laugh*
*pause*
*release*

She did another form of an induction where she induced trance by tickling. I know this only because over the course of the evening, whenever she would start tickling me, I would drift away into trance, and I could hear myself giggling as per normal, but it just sort of faded away. She did another where when she would grip my hair the beautiful way that she does, it was like suddenly the lights shut off, and I didn't know where I was, nor did I care, for I was lost in glorious sensations of hair-pulling. I wish I could tell you more, and perhaps she will pipe in and comment here. I can only confess what I remember. ;)

In other news, we were introduced to this blog, and we are both finding it very fascinating! The problem for me is that there is an insane amount of reading material, along with a lengthy list of other related blogs that I am going to inevitably want to peruse. What's the problem with that, you ask? I have this silly ol' cognitive therapy workbook I need to spend time on. And a job. Dogs. House. Yeah. No more time to read tonight, Miss Lee made me an audio file to trance me to sleep, and I'm pretty excited about trying it! I will keep you posted. Thank you!

Lee: "It just seems to make sense to have some of Amanda's favorite things, like hair pulling, neck biting (although we didn't get to this last night) and face palm work as triggers for hypnotic trance or suggestion. And because I'm a sponge for new material, I'll say that I'm learning a lot of fun new techniques and suggestions which I'm sure Amanda will be able to blog about here, providing she remembers!"

It's okay to have triggers.

2010-02-15T23:02:00.010-05:00

I have so much to say in this issue of Lee's Mandy, that I don't even know where to begin. If you ever read my TMF blog, it won't come as a surprise to you that I've been struggling in many ways lately. Long story short, those struggles seemed to come to an end last week when I made the decision to order this, after a couple of friends I know are working through issues of their own, using the same workbook. The interesting thing to note here is that due to a screw up of my former doctor, I've been off of my anti-anxiety medication for almost two weeks now. So the fact that I suddenly felt and seemed normal and healthy, when I am generally a basket-case when I miss my medication (and that's exactly what I was, the first week of withdrawals), was really mind-boggling. I head to my new doctor (PCP) tomorrow to figure out what to do about the meds in the meantime. I plan to seek out a psychiatrist, though, and work with him/her to fix the medication issue, and talk through some of the things I'll be working on in this workbook (which was recommended to one friend by his psychiatrist).

As soon as I made the decision to go through that book, my anxieties seemed to be lifted from my spirit. Now, the book has not even arrived in the mail yet, so I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. Things were going so beautifully, Miss Lee even noticed how even and normal I seemed, much like the happy submissive she met and collared two years ago. Yesterday, after a magnificent day at the Flea together, we began discussing a once touchy subject, and it triggered negative emotion in me, and I could sense it leading to a panic attack that wasn't very far off. That itself is not a huge problem, because we were able to talk through it in a healthy, reasonable manner. But the fact that I had a trigger at all really upset me, after a just a few short days of feeling what I consider to be normal. I was so disappointed that I could be sucked back into feeling so lousy.

We were close to home when the trigger went off, and she let me come inside and rest nearby while she got some online work done. It met a very strong need for me, even though there really wasn't much interaction. Just being near her, and knowing she cared about me enough to let me have what I felt I needed, and taking the time, helped me calm down from being upset about knowing I have triggers. My calm sanity has caused her to react in what I see as a better, more soothing way to me, and helps me calmly get through whatever I need to get through.

2/22 Update

Things are continuing to go really well. I have received my therapy workbook in the mail, and am diving into it head first. I have still had a couple of panic attacks since going off of my medication, but we are both having a good deal of success in dealing with them by talking through them, figuring out what caused them, and not brushing things under the rug, or masking them. It's all very real, and it all has to get dealt with one way or another. I feel we're reacting and relating better to one another. And that is cause for upward mobility. I'm finding myself better able to deal with other curveballs that I'm thrown, whether plans changing unexpectedly, things at work, or any other number of things. I'm letting the positive energy that emanates after a positive experience carry me around before slowly and gently setting me back on the ground, rather than hurling myself off of it and crashing as far down as I can fall.

This workbook calls for quite a bit of journaling. While that journal will be kept private (except for my Owner), I do hope to showcase some of the good points and positive changes that come from it, and share them with you, my small audience (thank you for reading, by the way, and I'd love your comments anytime!).

There are many awesome things coming up in March that I'm looking forward to, including Hypnosis Munch & Party night, a photo shoot with a professional kinky photographer and a rope/shibari/suspension expert, and seeing a bunch of good friends. I think it's safe to say that March is going to pwn the shit out of January and February. ツ

Wise Handbook 2010

2010-01-15T17:54:00.003-05:00

I don't know who wrote this. But someone I love made some modifications and gave it to me. And I share it with you all. May you be in 2010 healthy, happy, and prosperous.

WISE HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past.
That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the
curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. Time heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank God for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Happy Things and Bella Bash

2009-11-17T22:46:00.008-05:00

Things are pretty interesting lately, and they have been looking up. I could write pages and pages of details. Instead, I'm going to list some positive highlights since my last post.

I started a new blog on the TMF called "Mondy's Daily Happy." I write a small blurb each day about something positive, no matter how small. You can go there and read them if you really want to know what's been going on the last few weeks. =)

I just got home from an amazing weekend with 30+ wonderful people. I almost didn't get to go, as work got busy, so I was unable to take Friday and Monday off. Thanks to some amazing friends, I was able to get a flight. I can't thank you enough!

Events included an epical spanking with an incredibly sexy dominant, followed by passing out in his arms while some of my best friends watched football around me, more intense tickling from Mommy than I thought could handle (but managed to), and I finally putting my money where my mouth is: I had no meltdowns while Lee played with others, and I lots of fun on my own with friends. She hypnotized me four or five times on Saturday, and for the most part, I stayed in a pretty calm state of mind.

I was doing my nightly kneeling, on Saturday night before going to Bed. Miss Lee called me up to the bed, and proceeded to put me under. She says that she never brought me back out of it, but instead, when she was finished, told me to go to sleep now. Apparently that's exactly what I did in a matter of about twenty seconds. Miss Lee hypnotized several people this weekend, but the regular hypnosis she does with me is more therapeutic.

^_^ I had Happy Meals and marked lots of people with Strawberry Shortcake stamps with Kassi, who is my new hero. I laughed with Lyz about anything and everything until I was on my hands and knees on the floor. I ate ice cream from a Sundae Bar with some of the coolest chicks I've ever known. I came up with a brilliant defense and served as a respected defense attorney (lulz) in Bella Court. It's a travesty that I ended up being sentenced for dispensing bad counsel, after I was already convicted and sentenced for loving Hello Kitty too much!

After getting beaten by the bailiff (the same sexy dominant who spanked me that morning, and delivered my Hello Kitty conviction sentence), I was stood in the corner by said bailiff. While I was there, he went and grabbed a paddle that was almost as tall as I am. I did the stupidest thing I could do, which was purely instinctual: RUN. He came after me, but thankfully moved on to other punishments. I later groveled, and then confessed to Mommy. My ass was too raw to absorb any further impact, so I suffered some severe tickling at her hands in places I don't like!

On Sunday, Miss Lee said "good girl" to me for the very first time. I completely melted into her. It was beautiful and long-awaited. I still do want to make a dedication/thank-you post along with some sort of a recap. Just have to get to it. But for now, the above are some of my highest high points.

My professional life is finally looking up. I just might have a new boss and new position at my same company by the end of the year. Things are progressing. Hopefully everything falls into place. Praise the Lord!

My Christmas plans are made! I'm driving to Charleston by myself with the puppies to spend Christmas with my mom and brother. Then we'll all drive back to NH together. Then they will fly back to SC. I'm stoked for them to see my new place!

Here are a few pics from the weekend, including my battered ass (which actually doesn't look that bad here. It was much worse on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I took these photos Monday evening).

In the hottub!

With my buddy RobAce

HERPES!

Really tired!

Okay, that's all for now kids. I'm beat. Time to get some sleep. Sorry this post was rather all over the place. Thanks for reading about my life. <3

Needle Play + Hello Kitty Cake = W00T!

2009-10-21T23:30:00.009-04:00

(if you have trouble seeing the photos, just click on them and they'll open up in Photobucket)

Last weekend was one of the absolute best I've ever had. On Friday afternoon we drove into Jersey to visit our friends, Jade & Enigma. Road trips with Miss Lee are always a great experience for me. We had some good conversation on the way. Plus, it's hard to get in trouble when I'm just sitting there next to her.

Once we arrived at J&E's house, we got to meet Enigma's stepsister Karen. She is a little (someone into ageplay). I'm not into ageplay, but she & I had an incredible amount of similarities, including our love of coloring, pink, hello kitty, and nuks!

Karen was awesome and we had a blast getting dressed and doing our hair and makeup, etc. before we headed into the city.

We dropped off the car at Paddles, and I totally blanked on the name of the restaurant where we were meeting a whole slew of our TMF friends for dinner. I had to call Mark, Corry, and Christina to find out the name. I had to hear a bunch of crap from Mark about how I don't even know where my own party was! >.<

The restaurant was great, and the food was great too. Besides Lee, me, Jade, Enigma and Karen, Mark, Corry, & Christina, Dave & Sarah, Milagros, Lyz, and Jeff all showed up to help celebrate. After a great dinner and hilarious conversation, we all headed back to Paddles, which is an awesome BDSM nightclub in NYC. Michael, the owner, gave us a nice discount for couples, and we came in with my HUGE cake, courtesy of Jade & Enigma. Did I mention what wonderful friends they are? ;)

Some of the girls put on the pink Hello Kitty tiaras, and then I was embarassed by my friends and some of the other patrons singing Happy Birthday to me. We ate pink Hello Kitty cake on pink Hello Kitty plates with pink Hello Kitty napkins. I brought a pink Hello Kitty plastic table covering which we ended up using later during needle play. Total pink sugar overload. It was orgasmic, especially after eight weeks of being on the Atkins diet. :D

Shortly after singing and cake, Miss Lee and I got down to business. We had needle play on the agenda. It was my very first time doing so. We had betadine, gloves, needles (duh), some pretty ribbon, and my hello kitty tablecloth (plastic) to cover the table we used. We didn't use bondage at all. I just took my shirt off and laid down on my belly, with my hands at my sides. I was super nervous, and very twitchy. Miss Lee covered my head/face with my shirt so I wouldn't be distracted by the lights and sounds of other people playing around us.

The first time the needled pierced my skin, I could handle it, by inhaling through the pierce. When it went through the other side of my skin, the pain was more intense. It's not the same type of pain one gets from a spanking. You have to completely internalize this pain, and I wasn't entirely sure how to do that yet. Lee talked softly to me, like it was just the two of us in the room, and instructed me. That helped me relax a little. Lyz came over and asked if she could watch. I'd been holding on to one of Miss Lee's fingers tightly, and she needed both hands to do the needles properly, so Lee gave Lyz the [super fun] job of holding my hand (poor Lyz!). I vividly remember sqeezing the crap out of her two fingers I was holding. The pain was so intense, and I was soaring high from the endorphins. I kept choking on sobs, crying quietly.

Lee was placing the needles, and knew what she was doing. Even though I was in intense pain, she kept going, until she realized my stupid nose was bleeding. And I mean bleeding! It was gushing, and I certainly didn't realize it. I was so out of it; my face was soaked in blood. Forutnately, I ended ded up with none in my hair (whew!). Lee stopped immediately, and pressed napkins into my nose. She said to hold still while she pulled all of the needles out. Sans nosebleed, she would have added ribbons to the needles (in the shape of angel wings), and I could've walked around with them for awhile. Then she would have slowly removed them, and it's unlikely I would've had any marks except for the entry and exit holes. Since she had to remove them quickly (and we got no photos :( ), I had some pretty marks afterward. Jade took a couple of photos for us the next morning when I was fresh out of the shower:

After the needleplay, I got cleaned up, and then it was time for my birthday spankings! Miss Lee gave me 28 (27 plus 1 to grow on) very hard spankings. While I was still over her knee, she then offered up my bottom to anyone who wanted to have a go. It was an interesting experience, having some perfect strangers and some friends who I never thought would spank me, spank me! I unexpectedly received some pretty awesome spanks from people (Dave and Lyz, you both made me O.O)! I received over 400 spanks, and had to count them all. It was a great time, and afterward I just sort of clung to her. :) Around 3am they kicked us out to get ready for the next party, and we headed back to Jersey to get some sleep. I had such an incredible night with incredible people. I'm so blessed to have each of you in my life.

The next morning, Enigma and I had fun serving served breakfast to our ladies. E& J are always such a pleasure to hang out with. We spent the day lounging around. The other three mostly did computer things, and I colored. ^_^ In the afternoon, we hit the road, bound for Philly to see my Daddy! We had a nice drive, arrived at Daddy's (the infamous Max Speer) house in time to hang out with him until it was time to go get dinner, and go to a club. It was such a blast. I had a couple of drinks, and Miss Lee hypnotized me for the first time ever, so much of the rest of the night is sort of fuzzy in my head. What I can tell you is that I love my Mommy, and love my Daddy, and I love, love, love spending time with both of them together. I was so sad to have to leave the next morning.

We stopped at the Crate & Barrel outlet on our way back home. We decided to host a Dominant/submissive dinner party, and I spent much of my grocery budget on new barware for my house. I also got a bit of Christmas shopping done (only 83 more shopping days left!), so it was worth it.

During the drive, we saw the first snow of the season driving on 84 through CT. We stopped at a really cool diner for dinner, and got home pretty late.

I'd been riding high the entire weekend, but sub drop hit fast when we pulled into Miss Lee's driveway. It was pouring out, and my little car was waiting there with a flat tire. The last thing I wanted was to load my stuff, deal with the flat, and drive the mere half mile home to get in bed by myself, only to have to go to work the next day. Miss Lee had an air compressor to fix the tire, and the beauty of D/s is that the sub drop eventually goes away. I can't let sub drop make for a painful return to reality. I'm so grateful to have such a caring Dominant, and such awesome friends. It was the best birthday party ever. Thank you, thank you all.

I'd like to learn how...

2009-10-13T00:23:00.005-04:00

to be peaceful, no matter what you're doing, instead of attention demanding.

to develop a reaction to your commands that is instinctual obedience.

to desire your time, but not live and die by it.

to channel negative emotions into something constructive.

to stop caring how other people define and categorize us.

to not let other people tell me what is right and what is wrong for me.

to keep a great poker face.

to apply your criticisms, and never let them bruise my ego.

to pause and consider things before I respond or react to them.

to remain calm and rational even when I feel a meltdown approaching.

to always find joy in doing what I love and was born to do: serving.

to tell the difference between actual threats and imaginary ones.

to avoid other people's drama at all costs.

to instinctively think of your needs before my own, at all times.

to be more honest with myself.

to self-soothe and self-comfort.

to value peace more than I value having the last word.

to carry out tasks with the only goal being your approval.

to anticipate all of your needs and wants long before you do.

to read between your lines.

to get more fulfillment out of spontaneity and flexibility.

to excel in my submission.

End of Summer, and Advice from a submissive (not me) to Dominants

2009-09-08T11:02:00.006-04:00

Well, summer is officially over. What a crazy, fun, sad, amazing, change-filled summer it was. I'm sitting here at work, and it's 4:30pm, and I've got two hours left. I still have many things to do this week, including today. I've got some relaxing music playing, and just wanted to clear my head for a few minutes. Okay, this entry is going to jump around a lot, so I apologize in advance if it's difficult to follow. Miss Lee and I spent the holiday weekend with a small group of friends in northern NH. It was fabulous to see folks, get to know some of them better, and reconnect with friends I've known for much longer. Since we weren't hosting, Miss Lee was free to direct her attention anywhere, and I knew that would be the case. Generally I hate when people seek her out. It makes me crazy and jealous and protective. And I won't lie, I did have one minor meltdown, but I kept it totally to myself, in private. But lately I've been thinking about people who have known her for many years, and the only relationship they have is a friendship where they see each other a few times a year, and maybe she tickles them sometimes. When you put it into those words, it doesn't sound quite so bad (it's watching it happen that sucks). Only one person slept next to her. Only one person massaged her sore feet. Only one person made her coffee or tea in the morning. She only pulled one person into her lap in the hottub and proceeded to choke them (mmm). Only one person got to have an amazing, fun-filled day while we drove up there together (we had many stops to make, and we ended up picnicking in the Walmart parking lot with a rotisserie chicken!), and only one person had an even more epic drive home with her, with more stops, and a couple of hours on the beach, walking and splashing and giggling like we were in grade school. And only one person that night had some intense, intimate play.

I'm really fortunate to be that one person. Sometimes I forget and get greedy and want her all to myself, all the time. To all of you who have been friends with her for so long, and used to get more of her time and attention, I apologize to you for still wanting the time she's able to give you. I know I take up most of it as it is. Instead I will try to be flattered and grateful when I see people wanting her time, because it's me who has the bulk of it. And you all have been so kind and welcoming to me as her submissive. I should be proud to share a few moments of her with all of you. Not jealous or angry. I have something wonderful and I'm really proud and happy about it. Proud in a humble way, not boastful.

Another submissive I know posted this in her blog, and I really like some of the points it makes. While I know enough to know I'm never to tell Miss Lee "Don't do this" or "Don't do that," and some of the etiquette is not so much there in this unknown author's writing, I still respect the things it says. It's called "Advice from a submissive to Dominants." The author's writing is in bold, and my comments are italicized.

Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I'm only testing You. This isn't something I really have to deal with. I am taken care of, but not spoiled. When I ask for things, it's not to test.

Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel secure. This is true, and it sends a message that what you've said should stand out more than other things you might say. I've grown to trust that when you say no to something, or tell me to do something, you have a good reason, even if I can't think of what it is.

Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in an early stage. I think this is true to an extent, but it's also my resonsibility to stop the bad habits once you have corrected them.

Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave "stupidly big." I find this to be true, although the times I feel smaller than I am are the times you correct me. I know I need your correction. I have to learn to take it and apply it, rather than let it make me feel stupid. And I know with you there will never be a valid reason to act "stupidly big."

Don't correct me in front of people, if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private. This is very true. I'm thankful that you're very careful about this. You're a very private person, and much of our deeper interaction has always been so.

Don't make me feel that my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values. This doesn't really apply to me, because I know what sins are, and I know what my values are, and nothing would ever change either of those things.

Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes. I never have to ask this of you, because my most painful consequences are from you and you alone. They have also been my greatest learning experiences, painful as they were to endure.

Don't be too upset when I say "I hate you". Sometimes it isn't you I hate but your power thwart to me. I could not and would not ever say these words to you. I do get angry sometimes, and I'll even tell you when I do. But I love you, and I love your power over me. It's that reason I've given it to you.

Don't take too much notice of my ailments. Sometimes they get me attention I don't need. My ailments are generally real, and I crave your time and attention. However, when you smell bullshit, I do need you to call me on it and make me take ownership.

Don't nag. If You do, I shall have to protect myself by being deaf. It is my responsibility to do things the first time you tell me to. You shouldn't have to tell me more than once, and if you do, that's my own fault, and doesn't equal nagging. And never should I turn a deaf ear to my Owner.

Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That's why I am not always accurate. This is very true for me. My thoughts in my head often don't come out of my mouth or pen the same way I mean for them to. And I often sound like a babbling idiot. But beneath the insecure, scared little girl is an intelligent, passionate woman. I hope that is never forgotten.

Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you'll find that I stop asking you and seek my information elsewhere. This is also true. You should be my source, and it's my responsibility to always come to you first. However, not liking your answer is not a reason to seek my information elsewhere.

Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you. This is confusing. I'm grateful that you're as consistent as you are.

Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand. This is very true to me, and I know it's frustrating when many of my same fears resurface again and again. Calm reassurance goes so much further than anger or irritation.

Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither. Neither of us are perfect. What we have in common is that we both want to be. Everyone has their own opinion of perfection, and it's yours that I want to achieve.

Don't ever think that it is so beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me surprisingly warm towards you. Incredibly warm. It makes my heart throw up. :)

Don't forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get along without it, so please put up with it. I'm grateful that this is something we share.

Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be difficult for you to keep pace with me, but please try. I was thinking last night how the stages of submission are much like childhood. Just a year and a half ago I was brand new to this entire lifestyle, unable to walk or talk. Now I am toddling and falling down often, getting many bumps and bruises, and trying to string sentences together. Someday I will be all grown up in my submission, and I know you'll be so proud of what you accomplished in me.

Don't forget that I don't thrive without lots of love and understanding, but I don't need to tell you that, do I? I do thrive with these things, and your time and attention, and fun and discipline, and rules you set for me. I thrive under your wing.

Please keep yourself fit and healthy. I need you.

* Author Unknown

How she makes me happy

2009-06-29T21:51:00.004-04:00

Miss Lee recently assigned to me the task of creating a list of things which make me feel happy. I've had a great deal of difficulties lately, what with my job, and trying to navigate the home-buying process with the help of a shoddy mortgage broker and a douchebag for a realtor. So, this was a great task for me. I started writing the list, and the further along I got, the more I realised that most of the things on my list had something to do with her. I'm not sure if that is normal, or good, or maybe it's just a little silly. Regardless, that's what I came up with, and so I thought I'd write a blog entry specifically listing things about my Owner that I adore, which make me happy and grateful that I belong to her. Here are just a few of those things. :)

~going to s/m events as ourselves: a Dominant, and her submissive.
~hearing you tell me I did a good job on something
~seeing you when I'm expecting to get to see you, and seeing you when I'm not expecting it
~times when we play together, and it's light and fluffy and sweet and cute and sooo much fun
~times when we play together where you push me so far that I break down, how I love the release it gives me
~warm, snuggly aftercare, and falling asleep to your heartbeat with my head on your chest
~seeing you smile in satisfaction when you're being pampered at a spa party, which you deserve very much
~smiling at you, and you smiling back at me
~sudden, random, unexpected tickles
~when you stand up for me, or are protective
~when you grip my hair tightly, and require my eyes to meet yours while you slap me across the face, and you look so serene and peaceful
~when you unexpectedly decide to sleepover, wherever I am
~the times you say "I love you, too"
~walking next to you, your collar on my neck, and leash in your hand
~the way my heart jumps when your name pops up on caller id

I'm sure many people will read this and think "Wow, what a closet lesbian in serious denial" but I've learned that that just doesn't matter. What matters is that I am fiercely loyal and devoted, head-over-heels in love, and while I mess up once in awhile (okay, often), I take my position seriously, with grace and honor. I love her and there's nothing I wouldn't do to prove it.

The little things that are really the big things

2009-06-09T22:22:00.004-04:00

Last Friday was a slap in the face to me in so many ways, and on so many levels. Being a submissive is not a part-time job. It's not even a full-time job. At least in my case it isn't. I can't be "on" when I'm around her, or when it's convenient, or when I'm in the mood. I didn't realize until this weekend that that's what I tend to do. I can blame some of it on my ADD (like forgetting to post our show by noon on Thursdays). But some things, like not doing prone when I was upset, or by telling her repeatedly that I'm upset about something, or any one of the numerous things I do wrong, speak to her clearly: they say I'm not serious about giving her my submission. Is that what I want to say to her? Of course not! Plenty of big things speak the opposite: I changed jobs, moved 1000 miles north, left behind my family and friends, and have even lost a few friends who could not accept me in a D/s relationship. But what about the little day-to-day things? Aren't those what speak most often? The big things just don't matter as much.

I'm learning that submission isn't something you prove once - you prove it day after day, hour after hour. You remain alert. You remain attentive. You remind yourself over and over and over that it isn't about you, your wants, your needs, your opinions. It's about her. It's about taking personal responsibility for her happiness. It's about keeping a smile on your face, and keeping your sorrows private. It's about remaining positive, no matter how negative things get. It's about being graceful, elegant, and pleasant at all times. It's about keeping the ice container filled with crushed ice, even if you aren't expecting her company. It's about kneeling faithfully every night for twenty minutes, even if it's late, and I'm tired, and there are clothes all over my floor with no real room to kneel, and the dog won't stop trying to dig in my hair while I'm prone. It's about folding the towels the right way, even if she never opens my linen closet. It's about knowing when to bring her ice cream for dinner, even if she says she doesn't want anything to eat. It's about posting the radio show before noon on Thursdays. It's about remembering to walk on her right side. These are the little things that are really the biggest things. These are the things that tell her each day: Hey, I'm really freaking glad that I belong to you, and I realize what an honor it actually is. I realize that you don't just let anyone move across the country to live near you and become your submissive. I count myself as fortunate that your collar adorns my neck. I love you and I'll do whatever it takes to submit to you every day of my life.

Fun at International Mister Leather!

2009-05-30T00:11:00.007-04:00

It's really amazing how something as seemingly simple as an attitude, positive or negative, can affect even my writing. I've had this entry idea in my head for a couple of days now, but couldn't write about it yesterday or today because I was in such a bad headspace. Bad to the point where I couldn't write about something positive. I'm still not in the best headspace, but I do recognize it and at this point I feel pretty confident that I can proceed with my entry.

Miss Lee and I spent the last weekend at International Mister Leather. It was my first time going, and it was a lot of fun. It was stressful too, but fun. We hung out with some great friends on Sunday night, and after dinner we all ended up back at our hotel room. Sorry if I'm jumping right into it here and skipping details, but I ended up receiving an awesome spanking slash tickling from Lee and our friend Natural Tickler. He's not a spanker by nature, but damn if the man can't beat ass! They gagged me and tickled me into a frenzy, then I managed to convince them to spank me instead for awhile. They just combined the two. He thought at one point they should stop, but Lee told him she'd let him know when I'd had enough. Once I was weak and not fighting back anymore, she rolled me over, pulled me into her arms, took out the gag, and kept tickling since I wasn't fighting or screeching, but laying limply, giggling. I had screamed myself hoarse when they started baby talking me. (HATE that). Anyway, the tickling ended with warm snuggling with my favorite person. The evening ended with the lot of us chilling on the roof of the Hancock building. It was incredible! By the end of the night, I was laying in bed next to my Dominant, and fell asleep, warm and safe. There was no subdrop. There was no anxiety. Just peace. My masochistic high carried me through the next day, too. It just goes to show what a difference spending the night together makes, after intense play. Other times I've gone through 24-48 hours of subdrop when I had to be apart from her afterward. Not this time. This time was exactly what I needed.

Here are a couple of photos of the weekend:

Amazing, incredible view:

One year later...

2009-05-17T20:51:00.006-04:00

It's been just over a year since she put the collar on me. I think I've come a long way as a submissive. I still have an incredible distance yet to travel. Today is not any sort of anniversary for us, but it has been roughly a year. There was no milestone, no steps taken, just a relationship that began casually and evolved into this beautiful thing, this power exchange.

I paced the terminal nervously. She had just called and said she was on her way. She said she had something to show me that would make me laugh, literally. I heard my name paged on the PA system, and headed down to the baggage claim area. I spotted her immediately, and part of me wanted to jump into her arms, and the other part wanted to do a 180 and run. Instead I walked confidently up to her and gave her a hug. We chattered about nothing and walked to her car, and I hoped my awe didn't show. We arrived at her house, and settled onto her bed, just to talk, and relax. I was even hoping for a quick nap. She jumped up after a few minutes to show me the something that was sure to make me laugh. She walked toward me with something in her hand, and immediately began buzzing me with her new hummingbird. I reacted strongly, which lead to more tickling. Our afternoon was basically lounging around with tickling here and there. It was new and fresh and exciting and fun. I fell asleep completely comfortable, and she woke me up by tickling my feet. I didn't wake up angrily or cranky, but woke up giggling and laughing, and asked her if she planned to do that every time I fell asleep, and she pounced onto the bed, saying she might do "this!" or "this!," tickling a new spot with each "this" for emphasis.

I spotted the pink, glittery collar on her desk. I gingerly picked it up. It was beautiful. I asked her if this was the one she had Danny make for her to show her ownership over me. Indeed it was. She took it from my hands and I lifted my hair from my neck, where she gently fastened it. It fit perfectly, and I felt so safe.

That was merely a year ago. Or a whole year ago. Either way, it's a really short, and really long, time. I've learned so much from Miss Lee.

I've learned ~

How to fold a napkin into a Bird of Paradise flower

How to fold a towel perfectly into the letter "e"

How to walk steadily while holding a tray and wearing a corset made of rope

How to confidently speak on the radio

How to kneel, at or away from her feet, in complete submission

How to politely but firmly decline inappropriate advances of others

How to feel no obligation to those I hold no obligation to

How to be sure of what I want, and work hard to make it happen

How to say "I love you," without concern of whether it will be spoken in return

How to play spontaneously

How to be flattered, not angry, when someone envies what I have

How to stand up for what I believe in

How to make a raspberry mudslide

How to find beauty in bruises (thank you for these from last week)

How to host a party, and make sure everyone is happy and comfortable

How to anticipate her needs, and meet them

How to massage her feet to her liking

Where to find the best frosting-scented lotion

How to unearth my car from 3 feet of snow

How to gracefully and quietly accept punishment

How to be humble

How to crave perfection, and loathe mediocrity.

You are everything I could ask for, hope for, in a Dominant. I'm honored to wear your beautiful pink collar. Here's to another year of growth. Cheers!

I just don't fit in that box...

2009-04-26T23:44:00.005-04:00

I was chatting with my friend Jade today, who is a Dominant to her husband. I was teasing her saying that she was actually a submissive, because she's got some sub-like tendencies. And she does like to bottom occasionally. She denied it firmly, saying she liked her role as a Dominant, but that she just liked to switch with pain play. I said well then, you're a Dominant sado-masochist. To which she replied, "I've just been labeled, and I feels great." Sometimes it's great to know exactly where we fit in life. It's nice to put everything into its place, its proper category. Lately, I've been feeling like people outside of my D/s relationship with Lee have been trying to force me into categories. Forcing me into these common shaped holes that I just don't match up with. Sometimes things just are. You can't name them, or arrange them, or label them.

I can't define my relationship with Lee. But I can describe it. It's incredible. It's amazing. I give her my gift of submission. She gives me her gift of her love and protection. I get to spend time at her side, and time at her feet. It's frustrating. She sometimes withdraws, and it makes me crazy. I screw up and stumble and fall, and she will discipline me, and then help me stand up and start walking again. And then I'll stumble and trip over the same problem. And sometimes we'll spin in circles and deal with the same issue time and time again. But we always come back to our base, and our base is her Dominance, and ownership, over me. And it's my submission to her. It's not labeled and neatly packaged with a pretty bow on it. Sometimes it's really messy and we can't even sweep it up into a single pile. It's simply complex and frustratingly incredible, and it gets better every day.

The part that other people seem to struggle to comprehend is the asexual nature of our relationship. Some just cannot wrap their minds around the idea of D/s, or S/m, minus the sexual aspect. Guess what folks, it is possible, and it even happens! I don't know the how or why of it all, but I can tell you from experience that a submissive can be completely head-over-heels in love with her Dominant, and still not have to deal with a sexual attraction from either side. It may not be normal. It may be unconventional. But isn't this entire lifestyle unconventional? Aren't we all weird, kinky, strange, or something? What have we come to when we heap judgment on our fellow kinksters? Why do you feel such a strong need to label me, and when you can't find a label that fits, you have to stick on the only tags that come to mind. And my denying any label assigned to me does not mean I'm insulting said label. It just doesn't fit this submissive. Therefore, I won't wear the sticker.

It's raining outside, but my heart is holding the sun

2009-04-06T10:51:00.004-04:00

This weekend has forced me to take a look at some of my own insecurities. I'm not sure that they're actually insecurities, or just the result of sub-drop. We had a great munch on Saturday, and afterwards, we headed to our friend Sean's (producer of BostonTickling) to shoot a video. In the last clip, Lee and Sean were both tickling me, and although it was only 13 minutes long, it was incredibly intense, and I would've sworn it lasted over an hour. Sean eventually got up and manned the camera, because Lee is just so good at what she does, he wanted to capture just the two of us. It's like we go into another world. And then I go into a sub-world (no pun intended, haha). She tickled me until I was literally sobbing. I don't really remember them untying me or anything, but we had to head home shortly after, it was really really late. So Lee drove us back to her house, and then I had to drive home from there. I was driving home crying uncontrollably, and just really unsure of what was happening. Generally when our play goes to that level, we're at her house or mine, and both sleeping there that night, which really makes a huge difference. Falling asleep in the warm embrace of your Dominant is just about the safest feeling there is. So I was missing that in a bad way.

One thing I've noticed is that when Lee reprimands me, or snaps at me, I get this knot in my stomach that just takes over, and I literally feel queasy. I have to coach myself to take deep breaths until the feeling goes away and I can breathe normally again. Yesterday we attended another Spa party at the home of the same Dominant we attended last November. It was wonderful, and even more ladies were present this time (and more servants, too). This time I wore an underbust corset that Lee made out of rope (yes, I served for 5+ hours in bondage). I was again the only female servant. We were all serving and helping prepare for the party to begin, and a few Dominants were present. Just before the party was due to start, Lee took me upstairs to do my rope corset. She had me kneel and while she collared me, told me to remember that this was my base, and that above all other reasons I was serving, I was serving because I am hers. Those words sent chills down my spine, yet were so reassuring. I love when she reminds me that I belong to her. A few times during the course of the evening, I heard at least two of the other Dominants compliment Lee on my service. That was nice to hear, of course, but the only Dominant whose opinion I'm concerned about is Lee's. And at the end of the night, as I knelt in her lap on the floor of her living room, she told me that I did a great job. I only wish that could've lifted me to the place where she wanted me to be, but I was chained to an empty pit of sadness that was taunting me, telling me "you're all alone now, you're going home to nothing, you're not worth the time, if only you were a better submissive, then none of this would be happening." When I'm not in the headspace I was in last night, I know how ridiculous that all sounds.

But last night, I was just stumbling around in a fog. As soon as I closed her door behind me, I melted. I had a repeat of the drive home the night before. When I got into bed finally, I IM'd her to let her know, and she was off to bed. I didn't know what else to do but do the same. I laid awake in bed for what felt like hours. I'm not sure when I ever did fall asleep. I'm feeling more like myself today, but still not completely back to normal. I hate that this happens. I love doing munches, videos, and events where I'm able to serve her like the spa party. The aftermath in my head is almost too much to deal with. I need to be able to drift back into reality slowly and gently, right there with Lee, rather than tumble headfirst down the stairs.

Today, I'm lounging around in purgatory. It's raining, dreary, and I miss her. I finished the special project I made for her birthday. She told me last night that I'd see her a lot this week. I'm looking forward to that. For now, I'll listen to the rain.

*******************************************************************************
Later that same day...

I just got home from a lovely evening spent with my dogs, Lee, and friends. We had a great dinner, and I spent most of the evening snuggled up with her on the couch. Call it delayed aftercare, or call it random. Either way, it was exactly what I needed. She read to me a compliment from the hostess of yesterday's spa party, as well as one from the alpha male slave of the evening. I'm so glad that I've made good impressions at those parties. And it certainly doesn't hurt my ego to read nice comments. ;) The main thing is that I've made Miss Lee proud of me. When they see a well-performing submissive, they think highly of the Owner first and foremost. I like to think I've come a long way in my training from where I was a year ago, when I first began serving her. Servitude is a beautiful thing, and the beauty lies in its steady, unfailing growth.

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2009-03-24T14:06:00.004-04:00

Well, it's already the end of March. NEST is just over a month away. Nothing major or earth-shattering has happened lately, and I haven't had any more "awakenings" or "revelations." :) But things have been going very well, and I'm happy to say that I think Lee and I are much more in tune with each other than we used to be. I'm better able to predict what she's going to need or want, and I'm also able to predict with more accuracy how she will react to certain behaviors of mine. I'm improving how I am when I don't know what's going to happen. I love to have things planned out all in advance, and if by Thursday I don't yet know if I'm going to spend the weekend with her, I tend to get pretty antsy. But now, I'm just sort of going with the flow, so to speak. When I'm not with her, I stay cheerful and busy at home, or wherever I may be. When I am with her, I'm thrilled by it. Her response to me shows that she's enjoying having me around her, too.

Last weekend, our friends Jade and Enigma were visiting, and so Lee, the puppies and I all stayed at Karen & Jillian's for the weekend. It was a great time. We went to a play party on Saturday night, after Lee spent the day doing a boot photo shoot with our friend Evil Andy. I didn't see her at all really, during the day, so by the time the rest of us finished dinner and some shopping, and were heading to the party, I was really ready to see my Owner. When we all arrived, we watched a demo of a really cool vacuum bondage cube. The person gets in, and the vacuum is turned on, and it sucks this latex (or something like it) all around the person, and spanking and tickling is easily felt through it. It looked like fun, but I'm glad Miss Lee didn't have me go in it, because so many people were watching. We did some fun rope bondage, too. She showed Jade how to do a shibhari rope harness, and then she did a pretty rope corset on me. We won the prize for best bondage - an adorable stuffed polar bear wearing a collar and cuffs. The prize may or may not have been influenced by me batting my eyelashes at Danny and charming him with "please Danny, pretty please?" ;) Danny has an awesome site and designs all of his own items. Check him out. We ended the evening with a two-hour wait for a terrible, cold meal at Denny's. We got to the house around 5 or 6am, and into bed at 7am. My puppies are used to sleeping at night rather than during the day, so the thought of sleeping all day was LOLWUT in their opinions. So I was up by 9 or 10, taking them outside, etc, and sneaking in quick catnaps during the day. By evening I was exhausted, but we all trekked out to an awesome dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. We sat in the lounge area on comfy sofas instead of at a table. The other couples were all snuggled on the couches after dinner and before dessert, so Lee let me squish into her comfy chair with her, sprawled across her lap. She snuck in some tickling, and hopefully our waiter didn't mind. ^^

The weekend before, I did a photo shoot with a local photographer that I found on fetlife. (If you're a kinkster, and not a member of fetlife, I recommend joining!) He took photos of me with Lee present (some of us together) over a black background. He did some artistic nudes, and some in bondage that Lee did. We also took a few photos of foot adoration and such. It was really cool, and I'm really pleased with the way the photos came out. I'll be using them for a special project I'm working on for her birthday. I'm really excited about it. It was challenging to put it together without her knowing about it. I was originally going to do the photo shoot alone, but take along a friend for safety's sake. But I really wanted her to love the photos, and by informing her and doing the shoot at her house, we were able to be more comfortable, and she was able to pick the bondage and shots, and of course be in some of them. So it worked out really well. That weekend also happened to be an incredible weekend for both Lee and me. We went and got spa pedicures on Saturday morning to celebrate my pending divorce, and had a great lunch, then spent the afternoon doing the shoot. That night we hung out at my place and had tasty mudslides, and then the next day we spent together as well. We ended the day with dinner at one of our fave restaurants and had DELICIOUS cosmos at happy hour, and she spent Sunday and Monday nights over. It was awesome. Life is good.

Thriving

2009-03-11T00:06:00.001-04:00

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Have you ever felt socially empty? My world of friendships has changed dramatically in the last year. It's difficult at best to maintain all of my friendships at the same level that I used to, prior to becoming collared. By accepting Lee's collar, I made a commitment to her. I vowed to give her my all as her submissive.

Not many of my friends are into D/s (referring to the friends I've made on the TMF). It's so hard to explain my love for it, and the rules that go along with it. A large percentage of my friendships have dwindled down to casual acquaintances. It hurts so badly that this is happening, but I don't know how to fix it without compromising my best submission for Lee, which is something I won't ever be willing to compromise.

I finally decided to proceed with my divorce. If he refuses to sign, and doesn't show up for court, it will be granted to me anyway. The only way he can fight me on it is if he hires his own attorney, which I know he can't afford to do. There's nothing to fight over, we divided everything up when I legally separated last year. Just making the decision to file, along with the subsequent phone call to my lawyer,
was such a burden lifted. I finally feel free to date now. My court date should be in July or August (but possibly as late as October), and then I'll officially be single.

I'm laying in my bed right now, one weenie(dog) laying next to me, chomping on a rawhide, and the other is in her princess bed in her kennel popping one of her stuffy squeak toys. I know I made the right decision to pack up my pack and head to New Hampshire. I miss my family so much. My non-forum friends too. But this was something I had to do, to really and fully get out on my own and not just make it, but thrive. And thriving I am.

Lee & Mandy update! We have a new look, too!

2009-03-03T17:53:00.007-05:00

February has been one crazy month, and here it is already March. On Valentine's Day weekend, Lee and I spent part of the weekend at the FLEA in Providence, RI, helping some friends of ours vend (they own Locked In Steel, makers of chastity devices and other fun toys and bondage cuffs), and we had a great time. I modeled some of their cuffs, collars, leashes, etc, and met all sorts of awesome people. I also got a great deal on a pretty purple leather ballgag.

The following two weeks were somewhat difficult for me. I didn't see much of Lee, and I was just feeling down in general. It happens. Life can get you down, and it's difficult to sometimes snap out of it. But snap I did, and last weekend was a lot of fun. On Friday I failed to do something, and I earned myself a punishment (which I will receive when she decides so). I got to thinking about punishment, and I realized that getting punished used to make me feel belittled and worthless, like I couldn't get it right. I felt angry and almost resentful when she'd punish me. A fog has been lifted, and now I see it for what it is: it's designed to correct me, to help me grow, and change, and improve - it's done out of love and protection. And love and protection is exactly what I need from my dominant. Punishment is no exception.

Last weekend was a really good time. We spent most of it at our friends' house, the ones who own lockedinsteel.com. A couple other friends we met at the FLEA were in town visiting from New Jersey. They helped us do my suspension again, and this time it was a success! It was really intense, and they broke out the violet wand, which was exciting. Lee held it and tickled me with her other hand, zapping me with little jolts of electricity just by lightly tickling with her fingertips. It was excruciating. It was painful, ticklish, intoxicating, terrifying, and I loved it and hated it. I tried to headbutt Lee to make her stop, but I only succeeded in zapping my head on her electrically charged body. Ouch!

Over the next couple of days, we did some video shoots using the spanking bench and the suspension equipment. We also used the violet wand. We plan to try another one with the wand later in the month, but this time with the lights dim so you can see the sparks. Speaking of videos, Lee has started a new blog! Check it out at leeallure.thumblogger.com. You can see some photos there of our recent shoots. I'm hoping to get some more up. One of our friends who was visiting is a photographer, so as soon as we get some of the photos she took, I'll post some more.

In other news, we'll be attending the New Haven, CT munch this weekend. That'll be a good time, I'm sure. If you're in the New England or NYC area, make the drive! It'll be a blast. Send a PM to Avenger314 on the TMF if you're interested in going. That's about all for now. Stay tuned!

Of course it hurts when buds burst

2009-02-05T11:01:00.006-05:00

Things are so amazing lately. Lee has been amazing. She is amazing, but lately it's showing a lot. We had a very interesting weekend in Albany. We attended a small private gathering with some close friends of ours, and while it was a great time, it was full of drama. I won't discuss the details, because it involves too many people who wouldn't appreciate it being aired, but after one explosion and my subsequent meltdown (yeah, I know, big surprise), Lee hauled me to our suite and very softly spoke reprimands, correction, direction, and love into me. She told me exactly what I needed to hear, in every sense of the word. We can now both openly say "I love you," which is huge. Our good friend Jeff once showed us this poem. I once typed it up and gave it to Lee as a gift, framed surrounded by two photos of me in prone position. Here is that poem:

Of course it hurts when buds burst.
Otherwise why would spring hesitate?
Why would all our fervent longing
be bound in the frozen bitter haze?
The bud was the casing all winter.
What is this new thing, which consumes and bursts?
Of course it hurts when buds burst,
pain for that which grows and for that which envelops.

Of course it is hard when drops fall.
Trembling with fear they hang heavy,
clammer on the branch, swell and slide -
the weight pulls them down, how they cling.
Hard to be uncertain, afraid and divided,
hard to feel the deep pulling and calling,
yet sit there and just quiver -
hard to want to stay and to want to fall.

Then, at the point of agony and when all is beyond help,
the tree's buds burst as if in jubilation,
then, when fear no longer exists,
the branch's drops tumble in a shimmer,
forgetting that they were afraid of the new,
forgetting that they were fearful of the journey -
feeling for a second their greatest security,
resting in the trust that creates the world.

I feel like this is what we've been going through. There's been so much pain in our relationship, but each pang of hurt has been a tiny LeeMandy bud bursting. And we're really blooming.

I'm sure you get tired of reading mushy stuff from me, so I'll tell you about a punishment I got a few days ago. It was really painful. I was disrespectful the week before, I don't even remember what Lee said (this was in IM), and I didn't like it, and I said "Fine." To which she replied that I could expect a punishment for that. I smarted back, "great, thanks." And she said "expect another one for that." I got the message then, and I shut up. She bent me over my bed, pulled down both pants and panties, and hit me with this rubber thing, and I had to count *and* say thank you after each hit. It was humiliating and so painful. Did I mention it was painful? At one point I even sent myself flying backwards off the bed and crumpled to the floor, clinging desperately to her legs, and begged her to stop. She softly, calmly said that she wasn't finished.

Last night, Jeff came over to hang out with Lee and me. I was actually in a mood to be tickled, if you can believe it, and we had a couple of drinks and dinner, and we were all sitting on the couch on our laptops. I put mine down and was sort of laying across Jeff (Lee was on his left), and he was tickling me a little bit, and Lee set her laptop down, and I panicked. I started to get up, and she pulled me all the way across both of them, and they tickled me pretty much nonstop for about 45 minutes. My limit is about 20. At some point I flipped onto my back, trying to weasel my way off of them, but nothing worked. Lee kept pinning my hands: one behind her, and one behind my head. They seemed to focus on my problem areas - under my ass, my lower (lower, LOWER) belly, pockets, and inner-thigh crease. Lee also was slapping me (which is awesome) but then tickling the area she hit. When I thought they were finally about to stop, Lee just adjusted my hands and kept tickling. My panic turned into fear which turned into indignance which turned into OMGPLSSTOPNAO and I burst into tears, but was still laughing, sort of. They finally stopped. I could tell when I was looking into her eyes, before I cried, that she wanted to push me to the point of tears. She's definitely a sadist, but she's my sadist. Now that I was where she wanted me, she snuggled me lovingly in her arms, like a baby, but I didn't care. I felt safe, loved, and wanted.

Yay for buds bursting. :)

Tears and puzzle pieces

2009-01-12T21:37:00.004-05:00

Lots of things have been happening lately. Lee took her video business to the next level by including me on a very regular basis, and we are growing it together At the suggestion of our good friend Jeff, we began a video blog. Jeff suggested that we do it every few days forever, but we decided to start out with 30 days, and see where it goes. The blog is available here. Making the blog entries and our tickling clips has caused us to spend time together every day. A LOT of time! And it's really done wonders for our relationship. I can see, hear, and feel the difference. Seeing her this happy, positive, and encouraged has been just amazing for me to watch. It's an added bonus that I get to be a part of the reason why. When things are this good, it becomes easy to forget that there will still be valleys in our lives. And then, when I see plummet into the valley, what a letdown it is. I had this big plan to write this blog entry. I was going to do a timeline so I could fill in every detail accordingly. However, when I sat down to write, this is what came out. I realized that this is what it is. Do I really need to document every detail of the how, what, where, when, and why? Are any of those really that important? I think until now I was only able to see those details, and I could only see them one at a time. It's like now, the big picture is much clearer. There are still some clouds and fuzziness surrounding it, but I can see it better than I could before.

Maybe you're curious as to what lead up to this realization. It was a series of events, as I said above. The biggest thing that was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak, was a conversation we shared last night. Although I said I would leave out the details, I feel this prolific conversation is worth sharing .We had just finished a shoot where she had put my hair in bondage, much to my dismay, because I thought it looked terrible. I handled it all wrong, and it totally ruined the shoot. Although I still reacted strongly, I was angry and felt violated and unable to understand why she was making me look so bad. Afterwards, we shot our video blog day 9, and after giving me some time of reflection, she lead me downstairs to discuss what had happened. The conversation was rather intimate, and so I'm going to leave out the details of it. It ended with the breaking of my will, and acceptance of hers. I dissolved into tears at the sheer emotional release of the switch that took place. We were able to share openly later that night, after collapsing into bed, and it was a time of reflection for me, of realization, and new confidence in myself and my abilities.

The little things Miss Lee has me do that I sometimes find unnecessary or silly, or sometimes ridiculous, are required of me for a reason. She is molding me into a real submissive. She is teaching me through very little things how to submit entirely to her. Why do we give puzzles to small children that are so simple? To develop their motor skills. To develop their hand-eye coordination. This is something they'll need later for bigger things, such as learning to write. They learn shapes and how things fit together. And all of this is from a simple puzzle that given to an adult, could be completed almost instantly. A seasoned submissive could handle the tasks that Miss Lee gives me without batting an eye. The same tasks that I struggle with. I'm still that small child, struggling to fit those pieces together. I can only do one piece at a time, and each time I get one put in correctly, I am that much closer to completing the puzzle. And I have a strong, compassionate, loving Dominant standing over me, watching me, and often guiding me so that I can make the best decision as to where the puzzle piece fits. Someday my puzzle will be complete, and she will have for me an even bigger, more complicated puzzle, and we will begin again on a higher level.

Mummification

2008-12-22T22:52:00.007-05:00

Yesterday was my first mummification. I'm not entirely sure what to say about it. It was really, really intense. Lee decided we'd do it yesterday, since Jeff would be over hanging out with us. It was during a blizzard, and we were all at Lee's house. We wrapped some presents, and then got to business. She decided it would be good to videotape the entire scene, which I was a little uneasy about, and found unnecessary, but now after it's done, I'm glad they taped it. They turned on the camera and then began wrapping me in industrial-strength saran wrap and duct tape. I was really scared at the time, and part of me wanted to back out (not that that was even an option anyway), and was on the verge of having a meltdown during the wrap-up (ha). I felt really vulnerable, obviously, and just a complete loss of control. But I also felt a hint of defiance. I am scared to admit that! Here is the finished producct:

The first thing Lee and Jeff did was cut holes in the wrap so they could get to certain spots. There was a bit of verbal humiliation involved as well, but I'll leave out those details. :) The entire experience was a real mindfuck. It was incredible. It was the most helpless feeling, but still I had that "NEVER SAY DIE!" refusal to give in. But I'm not exactly sure what I was trying not to give in to. It wasn't defiance, it was almost like I didn't want to give in to myself. It's hard to explain. If you have experiences like that, I'd love for you to comment!

Lee beat my ass for a couple of minutes using something flat, from what I could tell it looked somewhat like a flat, thick ruler. It felt amazing, even through the saran wrap I could feel the sharp sting. She used the same tool to spank my feet later, which was enjoyable. While I was flipped over, Lee demonstrated my tailbone and the rest of my spine. Jeff used Lee's hummingbird under my toenails - I have to say, I was not aware that spot could be so ticklish. I'm looking forward to seeing the clip. I think the coolest part of filming it was that at the end, we forgot to turn off the camera, so it ends with me sobbing (in a good way) in Lee's arms. :)

Mummification: I highly recommend it with a competent individual (or individuals) who you trust.

Rollercoastering, continued

2008-12-09T20:22:00.008-05:00

*note* the 3rd paragraph here was written about a week after I wrote the first two, after further reflection

In the car, feeling pretty awful... trying to hold it all together. We're on our way to some friends' house for Thanksgiving dessert, but I'm just not up for it. I request to go home, which she says okay, but later says we won't stay long. We arrive, and have a brief intimate moment outside of the car, which is ruined by me saying "it is what it is." I struggle through the evening, forcing pleasant conversation, and nothing is helped by the fact that I'm very, very homesick. That was the first Thanksgiving I've ever spent away from home. Tack on the issues Lee and I were having, and it's just not a great combination for a happy holiday.

After about 30-45 minutes, we headed over to my place so we could do our Thanksgiving Day radio show. We got into this heated discussion about everything (again), and it resulted in me sobbing uncontrollably about five minutes before the start of the show. Lee asked me if I thought she hated me, and I said (sobbed) that sometimes, I did. She made me look her in the eyes, and that's when I saw tears streaming down her face, too. It was a really beautiful, vulnerable moment for both of us. She regained her composure for the show's start, but I was still pretty out of it. We plugged through the show, and afterwards, we sat quietly for a few minutes. Then she left. We had vague plans for the next day, but I still felt so insecure. Why does the one thing I need most have to be the one thing she seems to hate giving the most?

A healthy D/s relationship should not be one-sided favoring either direction. Each of us should serve the other (obviously in very different ways), and help the other to grow and mature in her role. That weekend seemed to be eye-opening in some ways, but at the same time, once it was over, I felt insecure all over again. I need to discover (and subsequently learn to apply) a way to love and serve without condition. I need to learn to balance the insecurities I struggle with. Above all else, I need to learn to stop listing what I need, and allow Lee to determine what I need, and meet said needs. Does she not know better than I do? Have I not given her my entire self, including my trust? I have given her the most precious thing I possess: my heart. Perhaps it's time I really let her hold onto it, instead of clutching it myself.

When you live on a roller coaster, wear your harness.

2008-12-01T23:11:00.007-05:00

This is gonna be kinda all over the place. I'm going to talk about the last few weeks and it's going to get random! Brace yourself! Two weeks ago, the bliss that came after the wonderful Ohio trip, and my subsequent breakthrough, dissipated. I was very disappointed, to say the least, and Lee seemed to be too. It began with going to a party on Saturday night (two weeks ago), and although parts were fun, I mostly felt out of place. I didn't really know many people, and I just felt awkward. I wish I could remember more details, I should've written about it sooner. We had the unpleasant conversation (hysteria on my end, as per usual) that night over IM after we had both gone home. The problem turned out to be that I was inwardly focused at the party, where at Bella's I had been focused on Lee. The next day I IM'd her in the morning, requesting permission to see her sometime that day, to which she said yes. I showed up as she was getting ready to head out, and cried in her arms on her bed after trying to keep on a brave face. I cried out the anger that I had at myself for screwing up, and she lovingly took me along with her on her errands. We ended up spending the afternoon together. It was wonderful.

The following weekend was meltdown-free, but I can only give credit to the fact that I went home to see my family for my mom's birthday. It was great, and far too short of a trip. I was feeling pretty letdown when I had to come back after only 24 hours. But it is what it is, and I'm going back for Christmas, so I can't complain too much. Lee took me to the airport, and picked me up, and I was wishing on stars to spend some time with her Sunday evening afterwards, but she wasn't up for it. It's hard for me to spend time at her house, because I need to be at home with my dogs when I'm not at work. And she can't really get things done at my house. So it just doesn't happen sometimes. So I headed home, alone, and spent the remainder of the evening with the pups. I didn't see Lee again until Thursday, Thanksgiving Day.

Okay, so Thanksgiving Day. We spent the day with Lee's mom, best friend, and best friend's mother (who is this adorable, sweet, little old Polish lady that I really enjoyed talking with). Okay, fast forward to the drive home. I really should've written about this back when it happened, when everything was fresh in my memory. But since I didn't, I'm going to do the best I can to recap. We started talking about our upcoming radio show, and she informed me that she discovered the answer to a question she tasked me with. She told me that if she wanted something done right, she had to do it herself. This just crushed my heart, and I folded into myself and cried. She was quiet for awhile, and then said that I was being self-indulgent by crying and not talking to her about it. I said, okay, you wanna talk about it? Ok. So I kinda went off. I wasn't disrespectful, but I was blunt, and got a bunch of stuff off my chest. I felt so worthless and unwanted, unloved, and stupid. And I told her. I wish I could remember exactly what I said. I felt like I was doomed to failure as a submissive.

Off to Ohio for Bella's Birthday Bash! Spanking and tickling, oh my!

2008-11-13T20:38:00.013-05:00

Yeah, so I’m a little delayed in my writings about our trip to Ohio. Lee and I just returned on Monday evening from an amazing weekend in Ohio. We drove there from NH, and took along our good friend Classy. The road trip was much fun. We went for our friend Bella’s annual birthday bash, where she hosts multitudes of her friends both in her home, and rented hotel suites nearby. The weekend was a real turning point for Lee and me. I’m going to do my best to describe it. I just haven’t been in the right headspace for writing. Not to say I’ve been in a bad one, just not one where I can effectively write about this experience.

We got there Friday night, and met our new friend and suitemate, Vinnie. He was pretty cool. We got somewhat unpacked and settled into our room, which was huge! We had our own bed, bedroom, and bathroom. There was a central living room and full kitchen, with Classy and Vinnie’s room on the other side. Our suite was a central hangout for many folks all weekend, which we loved. After massaging the kinks out of Lee’s back from all the driving, we got cleaned up to head over to Bella’s. She put on my pretty new collar and reminded me of its importance, and how it was time to be completely focused. That put me into a submissive headspace almost immediately. There is something about her face, her words, her tone, that just put me there.

I was feeling really nervous when we were walking toward Bella’s house. We saw Bella and a few other familiar faces and doled out the hugs, but I stayed clinging to Lee’s side. I also had my mute button, which is essential in keeping the freaked-out-looks that I tend to make to a minimum. Besides, Team JoMondy never travels without the mute buttons!

Lee sat down, and I got her some water, and then knelt at her side with my head on her lap for most of the evening. I kept popping up to watch for Jo (my other half) to come in the door after Bella left to pick her up at the bus station. At one point I got sick and ended up throwing up over Bella’s deck. Finally Jo arrived and she humped my leg, and I humped hers, and we almost fell over on the cold ground. I got to see a lot of people that I haven’t seen since NHLee or NEST or NYC, or ever, and it was awesome. I also met Bella’s Dom, Adam. ^.^ He is like, the hottest man alive. He was so intimidating that all I could do was look at him shyly with wide eyed wonder. I still stayed focused on Lee, staying right there next to her. The party went on into the night, but we left for the hotel around midnight. We have to get our beauty sleep! I fell asleep snuggled in her arms, and it was the best sleep I’ve had in awhile.

We woke up pretty refreshed Saturday morning, and got ready at the hotel before heading over to Bella’s for the day. I had a yummy breakfast of Froot Loops in the lobby, while watching Care Bears. It wasn’t the original 80s Care Bears, but hey. Then we did some shopping nearby, and then went to Bella’s. Everyone else was at breakfast at the Golden Corral (GAG), so we hung out while we waited for the crowd to roll in. I was really excited because Lee gave Jo and I blanket permission to play with each other, and I really wanted to take her down, and that’s exactly what I did later in the basement! I PWND her ass! Not before she pwnd mine first, though. I’d always hoped nobody would ever discover how ticklish my b00bz are, but leave it to her. BEE HATCH! We decided to head back to the hotel (Lee, Aura, Jo, Impaler and me), and we grabbed some pizza on the way. Then we just sorta chilled out for awhile. I had an amazing conversation with Aura about our Christian faith. Hearing her testimony was bone-chilling. I highly recommend it. Jo and Aura headed back to their hotel room, and Lee and I retreated to our room for some fun. She paddled me with a plethora of fun objects that she brought with us, and the scene ended with me in the prone position. I was in a nice subspace for the rest of the day. We went back out into the living area, where I laid lazily across her lap in a comfy chair, and she tickled me lightly for awhile, just enough to make me uncomfortable and squirmy! Afternoon turned into evening, and we decided we should make some dinner. We brought stuff to make chicken and … veggies? Potatoes? I can’t really remember. :) But Vinnie and Lee cooked dinner, and I was so sleepy that my big brother Impaler had to cut my meat for me. Heh.

After dinner, we decided it’d be great fun to go sit in the enclosed hot tub. So off we went (Lee, me, Classy, Impaler, natural_ticklee, I mean tickler, and Vinnie. The water wasn’t too hot, so it was really nice. There was lots of tickling to be had, and we made a lot of noise. Hot tubs rock. We finally decided to get out and head back to our suite because our amazing friend Andy (TickleChgo) had arrived. So we hung out with him for awhile. He surprised me while I was drying my hair, fresh out of the shower. :D

Then we headed over to Bella’s suite for her official birthday surprise. Lee was sitting on one of the couches, and, with permission, I snuggled up on the Rhino’s lap. I had blanket and binky, and my evil little sister decided that was the perfect time for revenge. EVERYONE was staring, I felt like a sideshow freak in the circus! Rhino held my wrists and JO LER BITCH tickled the hell out of me while I said all sorts of embarrassing things, until Lee came and sat on the arm of the chair, with my head in her lap, to “assist.” I was so pissed off. I said something to get Jo to stop, although the only reason she finally did stop was because we had to get ready for Bella’s surprise.

So we’re sitting on the couch with Bella, everyone is standing around, and in comes Josh (aka Snail Shell) in full Canadian Mountie garb. It was HILARIOUS. He charged Mama B with making illegal tickling videos in Canada, and hauled her away for an epic spanking. After I had a sobbingly sad goodbye with my Jo (who had to get to bed so she could get up early and catch her bus in the morning), I sat next to Lee while she played judge during Bella court. That was pretty funny, although I was sort of in a funk after Jo’s leaving.

After Bella court, I laid across Lee on the couch, just chatting with some of my new friends. Adam the fearsome walked in the room, and reached for my hand, looked at Lee and asked, “May I?” She said yes, and he led me to another room, and I clung to her hand with terror (and delight). Lee and I agreed to let both Josh and Gin (Euphoricy) watch, and Adam pulled me over his knees. He pulled my shorts down, but thankfully Lee didn’t allow my panties to move. He proceeded to give me a thorough beating, and I was in a lovely subspace, while Lee gave me aftercare *during* my spanking. It was divine. He was pretty gentle with me, and during one of the times that he made me look him in the eyes (mute button in place), asked if he should do it harder, to which I could only smile. I’m not sure how long the entire scene lasted, but it was amazing. Lee snuggled me at Adam’s feet when we were finished, and my ass was absolutely raw. I was pretty much paralyzed by then, and she rubbed my belly lovingly, but that gave way to light tickling, which was cruel and unbearable. Not many people can be so loving as sadists. :) Finally it was time for us to head to bed, and we took poor Gin with us, because her bed was occupied. We planned to put her on our sofabed, but that too was occupied, so I slept in a queen bed on my back, with my knees to my chest, with Lee on one side and Gin on the other. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep that night, even though Lee knocked me out with a perfect good-night neck bite. I woke up pretty grumpy, really sore, starving, and then remembered that Jo was getting on a bus at the moment, so we can add really sad to the list.

We put on socks and/or shoes, and trudged to breakfast before it closed up. I ate more Froot Loops, yum. Jay came in at the end, and looked like someone had punched a baby or pushed an elderly person down the stairs. I knew he had just returned from taking Jo to the bus station, so I sat my uber-sore ass on his lap and tried to be of comfort. After breakfast, we went back to the suite and packed up our stuff. I can’t really remember everything that happened there. I did end up coloring for awhile though. Most people planned to go see Madagascar 2, but that ended up not happening. So we checked out and headed over to Bella’s, where we would spend our last night in Ohio. As soon as we got to Bella’s, I passed out on her loveseat. There are some awful pictures floating around of that.

I woke up just in time for Viper & SaphhireRose to take McDonalds orders, so Jay and I both got chicken nuggets. MMMMM! And sweet little Tortuga (Cassi) and the Rhino PWND me. :(

Lee had gone shopping with Vinnie, because he was going to make a nice Italian dinner for 20 that night.

Lee got back, and walked in the door to see me pinned on the staircase and tickled by about five people. She was pretty pissed off. I tried to convey that she said no, but people tend to not take you seriously when you’re laughing that hard. ^.^ She fended them all off, and we got started in the kitchen. I got to snuggle on the couch with Jason after I was finally released from meatball duty.

The rest of the night is kinda blurry. I gave the mini-Bellas my Nintendo DS and epic Hello Kitty coloring book & crayons to keep themselves entertained. When they eventually abandoned the coloring book in favor of fighting over the DS, Gin and I took over, then mini-Bella #1 stole said coloring book, and our plotting began. Oh, and Bella’s little dog humped my foot. We headed off to bed, and fell asleep to the sounds of natural_ticklee (Terrance) grumbling about hating squirrels. We were literally ROFL. Well, maybe because we were sleeping on mattresses on the floor. But still!

We woke up butt early the next morning, said our goodbyes, and hit the road. I know that’s a lame summary of the ride home, but it is what it is. In short, this is what I gained this weekend:

~ I made some new lifelong friends
~ I got the spanking of my life – TWICE ^^
~ I learned just how different the dynamics of Lee’s and my D/s relationship is when I am completely focused on her
~ I learned how to completely fall in love with my Domme all over again (heterosexually, STFU JEFF!)
~ I learned that I am capable of shutting out all negativity around me in order to focus on what’s really important
~ I have truly, and completely, embraced my submission on a whole new level
~ I PWN’D a Rhinoceros
~ I enjoy going crazy in the car, bouncing to Classy’s favorite song
~ I have absolutely no shame in being 26 and having a nuk/binky/mute button/pacifier
~ This group of people that I’ve met strictly through the internet are some of my very best friends, and I love them forever

Thanks for reading. That’s a wrap!

Service with a... OMG WTF AM I DOING?!?

2008-10-26T16:09:00.005-04:00

Last night, Miss Lee and I attended a spa party. She received an invitation from another Domme from collarme.com. I was really excited when she told me about it, and she decided
we would go. We spent several weeks in preparation so that I'd be ready to serve her properly.
I wanted so desperately to make her proud of me. I knew the trick would be to shut out my surroundings (I have social anxiety) and focus on my Owner and nobody else.

Last night when we got home, I was in such a submissive headspace that I couldn't focus on myself or anything that I needed to do, so I held off on blogging. By today, I was still in the headspace, and having a very hard time writing about the event. My good friend Jeff helped me by interviewing me so that I could recall the important details of the evening.

For your reading pleasure :)

Jeff: ok, well let's start with this: Describe what the drive to lee's was like...

Mandy: The drive was nerveracking. I was trying to take deep breaths and get into a submissive state of mind, but I just felt more uptight than anything. I wanted so badly to make her proud of me, and I was afraid my nerves would affect my performance.

Jeff: what was your state of mind when you finally got there? As you were approaching the door?

Mandy: As I was approaching the door, I was just wondering what her state of mind would be. I knew she'd be calm and collected on the outside, but what about the inside? The best way to describe it was like, when you have a bad cut and you (or someone) is about to put alcohol or peroxide on it, you know it's going to sting like hell, but it has to be done.

Jeff: what did you two say as you were getting ready? Did you talk about the event, or was it a quiet time?

Mandy: She had me put some things in the car, but mostly it was very quiet. We were both dressed and pretty much ready. She had me kneel in the "present" position for about five minutes while she went and did some other things, and told me to think about how I was going to serve, and about feeling and being submissive, which helped me get into the right headspace.

Jeff: ok, so then you drive to the event together? Do you talk on the drive?

Mandy: We did drive together, and we didn't talk much, but she looked at me, smiled, and said that I'd do just fine. That settled my nerves a lot, because it said she had the confidence in me. If she knows I can do something, I usually can. ^^

Jeff: *smiling*

Jeff: when you got there, you walked together to the front door and rang the bell. Who answered and what did they say, and what did you and lee say?

Mandy: The house was pink! ^^ We got there and the hostess, Mistress CJ, was on the front steps, and greeted us warmly. Miss Lee introduced herself, and then her submissive, Amanda. When she greeted me, I said hello.

Jeff: ok, and then what happened? Did someone take charge of you?

Mandy: Mistress CJ took us inside, introduced us to her submissive, David, and took Miss Lee to sit down in the living room, where she offered her something to drink. She put David and I right to work, and I began by putting together little gift boxes for the hand and foot treatments. While I did this, I was meticulate, and also paid close attention to the interaction between Mistress CJ and David.

Jeff: what did you see between them? What was noteworthy to you about their relationship?

Mandy: Their relationship seemed different than ours because it wasn't as formal. He didn't say "ma'am" very much, and they even had some friendly banter, which Miss Lee and I also have, but it still seemed different. He seemed as nervous as I was, but honestly I think I hid it better than he did.

Jeff: In what way?

Mandy: Well, he seemed fidgety and I could tell by the way he was talking that he was just really nervous and maybe uncomfortable, and his hand-eye coordination was almost off, and I think seeing him that way made me conscious about myself, and so I was able to keep myself from doing the same thing.

Mandy: He also talked more than I did. I kept my mouth shut for most of the evening.

Jeff: that was probably wise

Jeff: were you and lee the first to arrive?

Mandy: Yes

Jeff: what was it like as the others arrived and more slaves were put into play?

Mandy: Well, another couple, a husband and wife who are both switches, arrived and the husband was the slave for the evening. He helped us in the kitchen, and we took turns checking on the ladies, and Mistress CJ was in and out of the kitchen as well, giving directions. Another of Mistress CJ's slaves arrived, and she had all of us get into "uniform." ^^ For the guys, that meant getting naked. For me, it meant taking off my sweater. I had on a belly shirt and a short black goth skirt. It was probably another 20-30 minutes before the other three ladies and one more slave arrived.

Jeff: three ladies and only one slave?

Mandy: Well, one of them brought a slave, and two ladies came together without a slave, but there were six ladies and five submissives/slaves in all (including me).

Jeff: ok, so once everyone arrived, what was the setup?

Mandy: Mistress CJ had the food laid out so that there were specific plates for each hors d'ouvre, so we went out in pairs. One would take plates, the other would take the food, and we would offer to anyone who wanted that food item. We also kept our own respective owner's drinks filled.

Jeff: what was your frame of mind by this point?

Mandy: Very, very submissive. I also was starting to feel more at ease in this state of mind. Miss Lee was enjoying herself, and I knew I was helping make that happen.

Jeff: what was Lee's demeanor?

Mandy: Relaxed. She was enjoying the company of other dominant women.

Jeff: it was just a social gathering, they were chatting about current events and corsets and spiked heels and whatever?

Mandy: Hahaha, pretty much!

Mandy: I could hear her telling someone about NEST, and I got scared that she would want to do a demo, but that never came up thankfully.

Jeff: did the slaves engage in any of the conversation?

Mandy: Yes, somewhat. One slave, a switch actually, was telling inappropriate (and hilarious) jokes while the rest of us were pampering hands and feet. I struggled not to laugh, especially because most of them left Miss Lee with a horrified look on her face.

Mandy: We did engage in conversation with each other while in the kitchen though. Much of it was me snickering at them because they were naked and I was not.

Jeff: how did they take that? were they friendly people?

Mandy: Yes, they were very friendly, and we joked about it most of the evening.

Mandy: One slave, when I told him I was collared to Miss Lee, asked if I shared her. I glared very seriously and said "NO!"

Jeff: heheheh

Jeff: Did anything noteworthy happen during the night? Anyone spill anything on a domme? Any bad behavior from a sub? random farts?

Mandy: No no no and ew! Maniactickler was not present. :-P

Jeff: heheh

Jeff: any overt s&m behavior? Spankings for bringing the wrong drink?

Mandy: Nothing like that, no. But one slave forgot about a lady who was still in the hottub. It wasn't his lady though, so maybe that's understandable? I don't think he knew he was responsible for her.

Mandy: Most importantly to me, however, was that my lady was escorted out of the hottub and into a warm robe.

Jeff: were the slaves allowed in the hot tub too?

Mandy: No

Mandy: We weren't allowed to eat the food, either, which neither Miss Lee nor myself knew. She later told me in the car (when I informed her of this) to bring it to her attention right away, because it's important that we eat too.

Jeff: so you all went hungry all night? No snacks or anything? For how long?

Mandy: For about five hours

Mandy: I ate a light lunch around noon

Mandy: I got home at midnight

Jeff: that's the one thing I've heard that I have to disagree with. I don't think they should have fed you with the dommes but you should have been allowed to snack in the kitchen away from everyone

Jeff: maybe they just overlooked it? Did someone specifically tell you not to eat?

Mandy: That's what I figured we'd be allowed to do

Mandy: It was on the agenda for the evening - no slaves in the hottub, no slaves eating the food or drinking alcohol. We were allowed to have soda, however.

Mandy: Miss Lee vehemently disagreed with it as well.

Jeff: well, as long as you weren't lightheaded from it, I guess no harm done, and next time she'll get in the way of that I'm sure

Mandy: Yes

Jeff: ok, so five hours pass more or less without incident. Was there a formal wrapping up, or was it more like people just started drifting away they would at another social dinner?

Mandy: It was getting late, I was sitting at her feet with my head against her lap, and she was tired too, and said we should be going. We were the first to leave.

Jeff: what time was that?

Mandy: about 11ish

Mandy: She made new friends though that I'm sure she will get together with again.

Jeff: what was your state of mind on the drive back? You and lee must have talked about the night if the food came up?

Mandy: We did a little. She said she had a good time, and that I did well. Then we just talked about other random stuff that had nothing to do with the evening.

Mandy: My state of mind stayed the same though.

Jeff: did she offer any criticisms of your conduct?

Mandy: The only one she said was to never serve from behind someone. The place where she was sitting was sometimes difficult to access, so there were a couple of times I spoke to her or filled her drink from behind her chair, which is a no-no.

Mandy: That was the only thing though! So I was pretty happy.

Jeff: that sounds like a very good review, if that was your only significant mistake.

Mandy: I thought so

Jeff: so, in retrospect, how do you feel about the evening?

Mandy: I feel good about it, and that I could do it again. The only thing I wish were different would be that we didn't part ways at the end of the night. It would've been good to stay with her.

Mandy: And honestly, I think I'm on my way to being a pretty decent submissive, at least
compared to what I saw last night.

Jeff: you feel like you stacked up pretty well compared to the others?

Mandy: I definitely do.

Mandy: I don't think all of the slaves there were in a submissive headspace. Some of them (mainly the switches, IMO) seemed like they felt awkward in that position. Maybe it's because they were switches, maybe it's because they were naked. Maybe both or neither. But I think being in that headspace really helped me. And keeping my mouth shut didn't hurt either. ^^

Jeff: being naked is harder on men than women

Mandy: I'm not sure if I agree with that

Jeff: I'll paraphrase seinfeld, julia lousi dryfus: women are beautiful, like a work of art, sleek and elegant. Men are utilitarian, like a jeep.

Jeff: they're for gettin' around in, not showing off.

Mandy: HAHAHAHAHA

Mandy: Well, I didn't say naked men were easier on the eyes

Jeff: well, I think that concludes our interview portion. I'd like to thank our hosts AOL Instant Messenger, and our audience of Amanda and Jeff, and of course our lovely interviewee for her thoughtful replies and candor.

Mandy: BWAHAHAHAHAHA ILOOOOVE YOU

Jeff: I loooove you too

This event really helped me become a better submissive, I believe. It put me into what I hope
is a permanent submissive state of mind. This is who I am, and what I desire to be. It's given
me a new perspective on what her needs are, and what I can do to meet them. Seeing her
totally relaxed and enjoying herself made something click in my head. I'm really glad it did.

Thank you, Miss Lee, for taking me. I love you. :)

NYC!

2008-10-24T22:25:00.004-04:00

What an epically amazing weekend. I had the time of my life. It was really the perfect length of time – two nights is long enough to really spend quality time with my friends, but not long enough for me to deplete myself of all energies, which I tend to do at gatherings.

Let’s begin with me stumbling off the bus in a daze, starving, bleary-eyed, and as I’m standing there waiting for my bag, I turn around and I see Jo (CrystalLight) flying toward me. She nearly knocked me over and began humping my leg. I freaking love that kid. Then I saw Dave (baldadonis) and after loading up the two of them with my stuff, I jumped into Josh’s (snail shell) arms for a big hug. Dave grabbed my shoulders and said they had a surprise for me. They spun me around and who is standing there but Jay (kraziedog). I stood there, speechless, jaw scraping the ground, for a good 2 or 3 minutes. Then I gave him a big hug too.

Once I was done vomiting from being so dizzy from being spun around again and again, we started walking to the subway. Just kidding. Well, we really did walk to the subway. And I finally got to eat my Subway :) Once we got into Crooklyn and into Dave’s apartment, we had only a few minutes for Jo to setup the radio show. (You can catch the archive of the shenanigans here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/TMF-Radio/2008/10/18/From-Top-to-Bottom-Mistress-Aura-and-CrystalLight) And yes, Jo got PWND a few times on the air. :D

It wasn’t long after the show ended that I was exhausted. Keep in mind that I had been up at 5am for work that morning. So I showered and went to bed. Next morning, I was up before anybody else, but managed to rattle their cages. We got (slowly) ready, much to Dave’s agitation, while taking lots of pics, and made it out the door. Our first stop after our subway ride was IHOP for breakfast! Why did we choose IHOP? Because IHOP pwns and Rofflehouse blows. I sat on one side of the table, in between Josh and Jo. Dave and Jay were on the other side. At one point I went to the bathroom, and came back and Jo had moved across the table. I smelled something fishy, and this time it wasn’t Jay. I knew something was up, but had no idea what. I watched the IHOP crew sing Happy Birthday (loudly) to two people at the table next to us. Then they headed our way. Then it hit me. My birthday was Oct 8, and these bitches, er, my friends, had them sing to me! If you know me, you know I despise this sort of thing. However, it was made right with a bowl of ice cream topped with whipped cream and pancake syrup. Yum.

Next we set out for the subway (again) to head into Manhattan. Jo and I bugged Dave during the entire walk to the subway, pointing and asking, “Dave is that your dentist? Is that your dry cleaner? Dave, is that your dry cleaner?” Once we got into Manhattan, we headed for Battery Park, which was epical (except for the creepy fake statues of liberty that we posed with). We took some great pictures here, including the Best. Facepalm. Ever.

Next we headed to… umm… somewhere. We got to see Dave’s office (after asking 100 times, “Dave, is that your office? What about that? Is that your office?”), and we got to see Wall Street and the NYC Stock Exchange (not quite as exciting as it sounds). We spent some time somberly observing the WTC 9/11 Ground Zero and Memorial Site. Then we headed into SoHo for some shopping! There were so many boutiques, but they wanted $300+ for a pair of jeans, so I suggested one of my faves, Forever21. Dave was getting antsy, because Jo and I wanted to head back to his apartment so we could change for the munch. We ended up staying past our time limit at Forever21 (among other places), but we both found outfits for the evening, so we didn’t end up needing to go back to Dave’s. This made the Dave happy (er). So we headed to Pop Burger for the munch, where Jo and I went to the 3rd floor to get changed and freshen up, and then stumbled down the stairs in our pinchy-heels. We ate yummy burgers (they were sets of 3 tiny burgers, so cute!) and I had a fruity drink. They served fries in uber-tall glasses. Neato. :) We horsed around on the long couch-like benches, and just had a great time hanging out with old friends and making new ones.

When 9pm rolled around, we got milkshakes to go, and headed for the subway. We took some great pictures in front of a fountain, made a stop by Trader Joe’s, and then back to Dave’s. I didn’t last long once we got back. Jo and I made special presents for two special people in our lives, and then Dave and I both went to bed. Everyone else stayed up! We woke up, hung out until it was time to take the subway to the bus station so Jo and I could catch our buses. Then it was time for a long ride back to Boston. It was an epical time, and I’m so glad I went.

The wheels on the bus...

2008-10-17T19:46:00.002-04:00

...are reminding me of circular shaped food because I'm freaking starving.

Hai, Mandy here, and I'm on the bus heading to NYC for my friend Dave's tk munch. I'm really excited to see my friends. I know it'll be an awesome time. The thing is, something, or someone I should say, is missing on this trip. Can you guess who? I'll give you a hint. I don't go many places without her, and I've never ever been to a tickling event without her. Actually, I've never been to any sort of fetish event without her. Well, there was that one time on Halloween 2003, but that was long before I met her. By now hopefully you have guessed Miss Lee. If you did, you got it right, give yourself a pat on the back. :)~

So I left work around 3:30 in Cambridge, and walked to Central Station and caught a stink-filled overcrowded subway to South Station in Boston, where I caught my stink-filled overcrowded bus to NYC. :) See the pattern here? If I had realized about three hours ago that this bus had wireless internet, well, you'd have already read this blog, and I would be less sore from trying to sleep. But I digress.

I feel like a big part of me is missing, and it is. She is. I wish she was coming with me. I crave spending time with her. And when we don't spend enough of it, our relationship feels the strain. Heterosexual relationships need love too! :) It seems to be a cycle. We are at the beginning of the cycle right now, which I like. I'm not looking forward to hitting the bottom again. Much of that is in my control. I don't always feel that it is, but it really is. I wish I could anticipate every need that she has. I wish I didn't have such bad ADD that causes much of my flakiness. I wish I wasn't so stressed at work that I'm just exhausted during the week. But those things are what they are. I'm not going to let them hinder me or my performance as a submissive. Perseverance is a choice,not a consequence. She believes in me, which blows my mind sometimes, because I know I'm very challenging and sometimes needy. I need that emotional bond, that connection. I don't know if that's common in other D/s relationships.

This is the hardest journey I've ever embarked on. I know in my heart that it will be rewarding and it will all be worth it in the end. I know the hard times will happen, and sometimes I'll feel like all hope is lost, but I can come back to this post, when we were at the top of the ferris wheel, and remember what it's like to be there, and know we'll be back there again.

How to...

2008-10-12T15:47:00.003-04:00

Wow, what a day. Just... wow. I'm really riding a roller coaster here lately. Is this what it's like to be bi-polar? One minute, I'm just so happy with my decisions in life, and I'm full of confidence in myself. The next minute, I crash and burn. That may or may not have been brought on by something. It might be random. There's no way to really predict my crashes. I just have to ride them out. Then I'm fine again, for awhile. D/s is still very new to me. I am playing a brand new role. But it isn't playing. It's real, and I have to learn how to make it work, and I have to learn rather quickly.

I've always been a fast learner. I can pick almost anything up right away. But the things I don't pick up right away tend to take me forever to learn (remembering long division...). On one level, I've gone from this confident self-starter who needs no one, to being this needy, dependent submissive. Can a submissive be self-reliant? I once read a book called "How to be your own best friend." Maybe I should re-read it. There are so many how-tos that I could benefit from right now.

How to be a good submissive
How to balance a stressful work week with some sort of a life that I should be having
How to maintain composure under duress
How to separate myself and my interpretation of things from that which is unpleasant that may not even have anything to do with me
How to decide if paying off my divorce debt faster would be worth having a roommate - extra $700/month!
How to adapt from having virtually no privacy 24/7 to being alone most of the time (this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is an adjustment, and it is difficult sometimes)

That's all that really jumps out at me at the moment, although the list is lengthy. These struggles I've been having would be impossible to deal with without my awesome friends (both online and off), as well as maintaining a close relationship with God. I'm sure many of you might think God has no place in a BDSM'ers life, but He does in mine. This blog is really helping too. Even though I can't change certain things, it really helps a lot to just them down on (virtual) paper.

Le sigh,

Mandy

Happy Birthday Amanda!

2008-10-08T22:57:00.005-04:00

I realise that this has been a tumultuous year for you, with leaving those
you love behind, dealing with those who think only of themselves, moving
many hundreds of miles to start a new job, and live in a new place, with
only a few new friends around, and telephone/email/im communications
with those left.

The joyous thing is that your new friends in this new place love you, too,
and you seem to be settling in nicely. I hope that in the year ahead, you
grow as the fabulous young woman you are, into one with as much
confidence and nerve you need to accomplish the things you want to, both
inside yourself, and in your world.

May this coming year be amazingly great for you!

Lee

How do you function when your Domme isn't around?

2008-09-24T22:27:00.005-04:00

Okay, so this week was the most &*&#$ed up week ever. Lee went out of town for a wedding, and I was left to my own devices. I did okay at first, and even had some fun over the weekend. By Monday, she had been gone 5 days, and I was going stir-crazy. It didn't help that I got sick in the night, but all day Monday I was so completely miserable. I was weepy and just sitting around trying to force myself to get some work done, and it wasn't happening. Monday evening I had a panic attack, which is rare for me. Thankfully I was chatting with a really good friend at the time, and they were able to help talk me down from it.

From the time Lee collared me until the time I moved here, I had to function without her on a daily basis. It wasn't fun, but I did it. How did I go so long with her, but without her, and manage, but now, she's gone for a week, and I fall apart? When she is home, it's not like we're together all the time. We see each other several times per week. Maybe it's knowing that she's only a few minutes away? Or that she could pop in anytime? The hardest part about her being gone is doing things by myself that I would normally do with her. And it's just plain harder to communicate by phone and email. And I always wonder what she's doing, if she has what she needs, etc. I hate not being there.

How do you function when your Domme isn't around?

FFR Show on Jealousy: Listen, and some Q&A

2008-09-21T21:53:00.004-04:00

Well, Lee and I did our show on jealousy. I have to say that it went well. Here is the widget so you can listen. If the widget doesn't work, try this link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/TMF-Radio/2008/09/21/LeeAllureBrightEyes-Forbidden-Female-Rituals-24

I wanted to post some questions she asked me before the show, so that I could prep. She didn't end up asking them all on the air, but she did give me permission to share them, along with my answers. Obviously, the ones I answered on the air were in more detail than here, but meh.

Have you experienced jealousy in past relationships? If so, how have you tried to overcome it? Does that have something to do with why you feel it now?

I wouldn't say I experienced jealousy with past relationships, but I was always very waryof other people that I thought might be trying to take what I had. I was very suspicious of other women, and often felt threatened when perhaps I didn't need to. The only thing I'vereally been able to do with it is not let it control what I say or do. I've never had much success in getting rid of the feelings, but I try hard not to let them show.

How often to you feel jealous?

It just depends on who we are with. Do you feel jealous or insecure when you are alone, with me, or both? Again, depends on who we're with. I'm still not sure jealousy is the right word here. I feel most insecure when you're focused on another person, especially another female or submissive, because I feel my place with you is threatened. If I'm not witnessing it, I'm able to put it out of my mind more successfully. For example, when you are filming a video, and I'm not there, I don't think about it, so it doesn't bother me nearlyas much as the times I've had to be present and watch.

What do you initially feel when you experience a threat?

I feel defensive and I tend to shut down in order to keep from projecting what I'm feeling.

Am I actually doing things that should make you jealous? If so, list those thing.

You don't, but other people do. And it's not that they make me feel jealous, I just feel threatened, like they want what I have, and I have a fear deep down that maybe they will get it. I know we define this whole thing as jealousy, but some of the posters to our blog really seemed to hit the nail on the head, in my opinion, when they referred to it as over protectiveness. Maybe it's both. I don't know.

Have you ever tried to put yourself in my place, to see how you're viewed?

All the time. I have no doubt that you think it's completely silly and ridiculous. It's why I shut down, because I want to avoid having certain reactions and making you disappointed in me. Cause that's just the worst. I also know in my heart that you're extremely picky about who you collar, and I am so honored that you chose me, and nobody else. But because my place is so special, I feel even more like I have to protect it.

Have you ever identified with jealousy emotions as being attributed to your own self-image and self acceptance issues?

I have a lot of issues that stem from my dad never loving me while I was growing up. It's difficult to say just how many of my issues stem from that. I think I have a pretty good self-image at this point in my life. I have pretty good control over every other aspectof my life, except this relationship. This is my first D/s relationship, and giving up complete control to you, although it's in my nature, is still new to me.

Do you ever feel that you need to control my actions in order to avoid your jealous feelings?explain.

No.

Is jealousy an issue for you with any other relationships than with me, like your family, friends, co-workers, or people you've met for the first time, say at a gathering?

I've dealt with insecurities in romantic relationships, and when my mom started dating after my parents divorced, I was extremely protective of her, and drove away most of her dates because of how difficult I was.

If I do something to cause you to feel jealous, do you talk about it right away, or shut down, and come back to it later?

Again, it's nothing really that you do. When something does happen, I shut down, and sometimes come back to it later. For the most part, I acknowledge that my feelings are silly, and I try to push them out of my head and ignore them. I have a very hard time bringing this type of thing up to you. Very hard. I love you and desire very much to please you and make you proud of me, and I know this type of behavior is not the way to do that.

When you feel jealous, what do you feel more, a sense of insecurity and neediness, abandonment, or betrayal?

Definitely the insecurity and neediness. Sometimes I feel slight betrayal if the person I view as the threat is close to me, but I feel betrayal on their part, not yours.

You get away! Let's talk about jealousy!

2008-09-12T22:27:00.008-04:00

You get away! Let's talk about jealousy.

Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster that rears its ugly head at very inopportune times. The problem with jealousy is that it doesn't stop at jealousy. It morphs into this messy thing that includes severe over-protectiveness and suspicion, even when it comes to people Lee and I both know and love.

I've talked to other submissives about this topic, and I have yet to find anyone who has this issue to the same extreme that I do. I hope some of them jump in here and comment, too. I've had people tell me that they are okay as long as they get all of the attention in the bedroom. Being that Miss Lee and I are in a heterosexual D/s relationship, that does not apply. So it's difficult for me to form some kind of boundary for myself, saying that I will only feel a certain way if a certain thing takes place.

My possessive over-protectiveness began when I was about 14 years old. My parents were recently divorced, and my mother was starting to date again. I was like a pitbull! She always said she needed a sign on the door that said "Beware of Children." I was of the mindset, "This is MY Mommy, and you get the hell away from her! She has me, and she doesn't need you! If you come any closer, I'll rip your face off!" That's about the same way I feel about Lee now.

Logically, I know she has a video business now, and so she's going to tickle (and sometimes other S&M things) both strangers and friends. She does that even off video! She will deny this, but people, both men and women alike, throw themselves at her constantly. It makes my blood boil! (That's right folks, a great way to get on my shitlist is to throw yourself at my owner!) But seriously, I know it's silly. Standing on the outside and looking in, it's absolutely ridiculous. I know this. I really am aware. But it doesn't change what it is! Because I don't want to act like a screaming toddler, I tend to shut down and withdraw when these feelings start to overpower me. It's my weak defense mechanism.

So, I'd really like to get your feedback. Especially if you are a submissive. How do you handle it when your Owner/Dom/me gives other people his or her affections? How does it affect you, and how do you deal? You know in your heart it means nothing, or at least that it isn't on the same level as your own relationship, but it doesn't stop anything from escaping your watchful eye as a potential threat.

I look forward to your comments.

Mandy

PS - make sure you catch our funny little clip from our last FFR show. :)

HERE: http://www.ticklingforum.com/showthread.php?t=134751

Enny #2 is up!

2008-09-12T22:27:00.007-04:00

Enny's back, and she's still in the bondage mitts.She's all warmed up, and super jumpy. This clip is a must for the collection of any silent-laughter lovers!Enny cries out for help to me, the cameraman, and even God Himself! Unfortunately, nobody helps her. (Or is that fortunately?) She literally screams with laughter! Lee blows on Enny's neck to try to cool her off, but it only seems to tickle her more. More great close-ups, not onlyof their faces, but of Lee's devilish little fingers. There's some great banter, too, which pisses Enny off tono end! Although her moments of anger are fleeting, andher reactions are incredibly desperate.

http://www.ticklingforum.com/showthread.php?t=134887

First portion of the Enny Series is up! Check nao! :D

2008-09-12T22:27:00.001-04:00

Here is the description I wrote of the first Enny clip. Go check out the free clip on the TMF!
http://www.ticklingforum.com/showthread.php?t=134755

You all know and love Enny. We do too. That's why we decided to put her in the bondage mitts and hook her to the tree of doom. This clip starts out with my beautiful Owner, Lee, tormenting my sexy friend, Enny, who is dressed up in a gorgeous corset with thigh-highs and heels. With nowhere to go, of course. I almost felt bad for her. Almost. Enny's absolute worst spot is her underarms. So, which spot does Lee the born-sadist naturally gravitate toward? Her other no-no spot is her ass, which receives a few slaps in this clip, which only serve to make her more ticklish there. Other intensely tickled areas include hips, sides, and thighs. There are lots of great close-ups in this series, showing Lee's evil joy and Enny's ticklish fear.

Lee: Who IS she?

2008-09-11T00:42:00.006-04:00

Hello all! I'm the older and definitely more sober* of the
two of us. I've been into s/m for almost 20 years, and am
highly social and open about it.** I love getting together with
other folks, whether for gatherings, small play parties, dinner,
munches, etc. I think that the best way to connect with others,
esp. if you met them online, is to overcome your fears and
just go do it.*** ;) ****

I'm thrilled that Amanda moved up here to be near me, I love making
tickling videos, organizing gatherings, hosting a weekly radio show, and
making a newsletter for my local car club. I'm planning on doing more
creative advertising for my chocolates, as well as getting back into
exercise of some form.

Amanda will be posting more often than I, but feel free to leave comments
and questions for us both.

Lee

*As in serious, neither of us are drunks!
** I told my family what I was into over 10 years ago, and
that I make fetish videos too. They're pretty open and accepting,
although initially my mother did send me every newspaper
article she could clip about a dominatrix being arrested. This
went on for maybe three years...
*** Safely, of course!
**** I love to end sentences with ;)'s. I'm a happy camper, and
that's one way I reflect it.

Welcome to Lee's Mandy's blog!

2008-09-09T13:36:00.001-04:00

Hi, I'm Mandy. I am a 26 year old submissive. Lee is my Owner. She is amazing. I recently moved to NH from far, far away so I could live near her. I even managed to stay with my same company. I have two miniature dachshunds (referred to as "the weens") and life is good.

Lee makes tickling videos, which you can find here: www.clips4sale/studio/20451 also has a small chocolate business (sometimes I get to help). :)

I'm glad you found our blog. Here I will chronicle our journey through our D/s relationship, our fun S&M times, and our everyday lives.
PS - we are tragically straight. :)

More to come very soon!